Leave me alone

Seriously. I have deleted anything that is associated with you. Packing and getting ready to send what doesn't belong to me.

This Blog is dedicated to you. The last 4 years were Durbin driven, our daily chats generally steered my day. There were days when my days were full of sunshine because of you. If there wasn't a call, I was without direction. If there was a date, I was accident prone. I can't let you be my navigator anymore.

I need to drive my own life.

Enjoy my last post.

ok, I'm better

This week-end was great, I'm just sorry my mower wouldn't start. I swear if someone were to chart/graph this blog I'm sure the dark moments would be consistent in time of the month along with the moments of happiness.

Nothing like cycling when there isn't a uterus to blame anything on just those damn overies!

The black hole

I swear it's been a long time since I have hit the bottom of the pit. Not only am I in a fetal position at the bottom but the rain of tears is beginning to drown me. I am embarrassed, ashamed and don't feel much like walking this earth anymore.

I let myself get to myself. I am weak and easy to walk on and over. I hate myself for being brutally honest about my life, feeling, thoughts. I hate that my skin isn't thicker or made of Teflon. I want to be that person that chuckles at someone who is pouring their heart out. I want to be so hard that I can only focus on my broken computer while someone is breaking apart in my ear.

Telling me I lack respect for boundaries. To quick to analyze what I don't know. The reason I don't know it is because you hide it. A relationship you have been in for over 37 years. How can you hide something that has been a part of you for over half you life?

I am so confused, so fucked up. I feel so humiliated that I allow myself to get to this level of sadness. That I can't just walk away to let you snicker about what an idiot I am, then refocus on your computer woes.

My sleeping pills are calling my name.

Fleeting feelings

I knew I had better enjoy Friday, the feelings were only temporary. Not that I have crashed I just tumbled down a little, scraping my knees as they hit the concrete.

Over 30 years, wow that is a helluva long time. Maybe it's has lasted so long, cause it isn't really a relationship. Never lived together, longest time spent together is, maybe, a week? You don't have to deal with any of the bad stuff, you just drop her off. You don't have to tolerate any extended family, just her. You have got it made in the shade with this woman and she with you. No children produced from your love, no commitment, nothing but random dinners and 1 road trip. Definitely another 30 years as long as you keep it as the pace you're at.

Is this the one and only relationship you have ever been in? After she broke your heart did Peg still like her? Are you still so careful with your words and actions because you fear she may leave again? Are you always on your best behavior because you could never go through that pain again?

I need to see a picture of this perfect woman.

This is what it's all about

Sun, warmth, music, happiness, friends, children, animals (not in that order).

a clean house

taxes are paid

fridge and cupboards filled

bills paid

I have to enjoy these moments when they are here. My mind if full of nothing but hope for the future, happiness for what I have, and energy to do the things I need to do.

a thought

As the days grow longer my lingering longing for you lessens. But my wanting for written words widens.

My point was...

I went into a different direction than I orginally intended in my last post. My point was that I think I write words to myself. What I write is what I want to read. I want someone to think the thoughts that I do, about others, about me.

That was my point.

Words to myself??

I finished an email to someone I like. Someone I am going to see again this week. I already sent it and I can't take it back. I am remembering when I would funnel my thoughts through my fingertips to someone else that I liked and I scared him.

I don't think my words are scary, I think they are heartfelt but not necessarily deep or meaningful. They are just letters tapped out as my brain squeezes them though all the grey matter, past my nose, unable to escape through my lips they channel down my chest, my arms, turning at the elbows and out my tips.

I love the thought of letters tumbling around in me. Jumbles that are only complete words once they have found the right outlet to leave me. J's and S's snaking around the E's and A's. Numbers intermingling with comma's and periods. H's and P's sometimes dancing when they are made into happy words. Drooping and dark L's and D's when they are sad. Stomping P's and T's when they are angry and fat G's and O's when they are filled with life and love.

I wish I was a writer. One that could spin a tale, a web of intrigue, story of woe is me, or happy as can be. Stories filled with characters that I want to meet, wish I had known, wish I was.

I envy those that have a way with words. I know it isn't always easy, that it can be a painstaking process. A tedious tendency that won't leave you alone. What a claim to fame tho, to entertain, educate and fill with emotions that might not otherwise be felt.

I want those notebooks, to want to be in my bed with a box of bon bons and a glass of wine while my fingertips roll over the words that spilled from yours. I want the yellow strips that surround the words and sentences highlighting what is important to you. I want to see where you faltered, where you rushed, where you stopped and started.

Your words should never stop coming to my eyes.

Yep, I'm taking about you, the man that reads my blog.

Funny Girl

My stinky dog

My stomach is making noises

It's funny to hear these gurgles coming from inside me. The stinky dog, that is laying next to me, keeps lifting his head up and looking around wondering what the heck those noises are.It doesn't hurt, it's not uncomfortable, it's just noisy.

The house is quite quiet with the girl gone. She off to visit the creep for the week-end, she'll be back Monday. It's good to have some time away from each other. She is a very bad influence on me.

Silly stuff again today. I am off a few of my pills and I think it's a good thing. Too much numbing and not enough dealing with reality. We'll see...

I thought I would be ok (2)

I talked to him last night, the old one. At least I attempted to. I thought I was ready, over the hurt, moved on. I thought I was ready to be his friend. I want to talk like we did before, I want to laugh, talk about life, death, music and movies. I want to catch the train together like we did before. How can I let my old comforter go?

I shut down, again. I tried so hard to get past the sadness and hurt and I couldn't. I love this guy so darn much. He helped me in so many ways, but the hurt he caused by his withholding the truth is overwhelming the goodness and I hate that.

I want his hand to cradle the phone again with me on the other end of the line.

I need to have him back in my life and I don't know how to let him in.

Wednesday April 1st

Cleaning like crazy, energy that came from a place that I forgot I had.

I'm sleeping with my father-in-law

Not really, because he's dead. But, I am pretty sure I am sleeping with his doppelganger (not in an evil way, I just like the word and it kinda works for a description), twin separated at birth (altho he was born 40 + years later).

His eyes, nose, mouth, body, mind, work ethic, facial expressions, laugh. How did this happen? He's not as crude as my f-i-law was and he's funnier. He's eyes kinda sparkle when he's happy.

It's just a temporary arrangement, he doesn't live here, just comes here for business every so often. Met him at my fav piano bar a little over a month ago. Just an instant kinda click thing, he sang a Bobby Darin song, we exchanged email adresses, started chatting and when he's here I am with him. Probably the best kind of relationship for me now, just a physical thing.

Yeah... whatever! I swear to God if I start obsessing about this one that's it, I am going to cut myself off from men all together. I know this is trouble with a capital T and I need to step back and leave him alone. For those of you who know me (yeah I mean you) this is NOT a good thing.

However it told me that I am desirable to someone, I needed that. I needed to know that I'm not crazy, old and yucky. I also needed to be kissed, touched and a few other things that haven't happened to me for a few years. He's actually a few years younger than me too.

Ok, I am going to stop thinking about him now.

I need to call an old friend.

Almost a record!!

I left at 1 got here at 8! I wasn't even speeding, well... maybe a little I would cruise between 69 (what a number, I swear) and 74. I used less gas and got here quicker, it's scarin me!!

It is sooooo cold here! It's supposed to be beautiful (chilly) al week-end with the snow and rain coming late Sunday. Unfortunately I am leaving tomorrow, back to IL and will probably hit a snowstorm on my way back unless we leave early. I don't know maybe we'll drive back Sunday.

The planets and stars sparkle against the black sky here. It's so different here in MN compared to IL colors are more vivid, and everything is alive. The air is sweeter and the animals are cuter.

I need to see my brother. I am such a lousy sister, friend, relative. I haven't contacted him. I heard today he's having a really really rough time. He sounds very angry and in a lot of pain. It sounds like they are giving him the works with chemo and radiation.

He is a techy guy, the business he worked for went out of business and his health insurance is minimal. That has got to be weighing heavy on his mind. I can't imagine fighting to survive while watching everything you own drown in that survival. I don't know, my family appears to be blessed with some magical survival mode and we usually end up ok. I'm hoping that Ed gets his mode up soon.

Let me call you honey (sweetheart)

Cause I'm in love with you.

I am on my way to Minnesota. I hope everyone (that means you, honey) are having a great time with your happy ending.

I will not burst into tears, nor flash the finger, cause I really do hope you are holding her hand and walking on the campus, along the lake, downtown and being happy.

oh the wonders of nature

The grass is turning green (where the dog hasn't pooped peed or dug), I getting my yards tools together oiled and ready for work. I've put my deck furniture out and now when I wonder where the dog is I can find him laying in the backyard in the sun. I am finding the worms, that live in movable treehouses (post from 7/27/08 has picture), on my bushes again. The geese and ducks are back at the pond, the back door is open and the wind is whoosing out the stale winter air that was stuck in my house.

My daughter spent the week-end with a boy her broke her heart a few months ago. I don't like him, I don't trust him I think he is manipulative and abusive (in very subtle ways). He makes her cry and question her worth (man that sounds so familiar). My daughter can't get over him, she can't get over the fact that he broke up with her after he was caught cheating.

My oh my how clueless we women are.

She came home this morning and was looking at apartments. I pointed out that she doesn't pay me, no licence and no car. She told me that I was too controlling and I wouldn't let her move. Where the hell did that come from? I explained that I would happily pack her things right then and there and take her where ever she wanted to go.

She costs me money to live there. I had become a mother again with a dependant child, I do the laundry, cook, clean and drive her where ever she needs to be. She is careless and let's her personal appliances sit and burn. lights are on, things explode in the microwave, shoes are put on my dining room table to scratch, her painting takes place in the middle of her carpeted bedroom. I will have memories all around me when she leaves. However, she's 21, I want her out on her own for gods sake!.

Then she proceeded to tell me it was all on a subliminal level. I wasn't even aware of my need to have her live with me. I laughed and repeated what she had just so seriously had told me using the same serious tone she had. She stared at me for a minute, then we both burst out laughing.Oh yeah, I love that boy. What other crap is he planting in her brain.

I love my daughter with all my heart and we get along great. I would miss her but I would be just fine.

Nothing ever makes sense

It was one of those days where I accomplished all I wanted to, it was beautiful and the dog attacked me only once. He got a bath, my floors are all clean, the house is quiet and I am not craving tequila.

Sarah is staying with 'friends' over the week-end. I am alone for the first time, in what seems like, forever.

My phone rang twice today. Once from my sister who left me a message saying she needed to talk to me, it wasn't just a call to say I love you. Crap...

The other was from my son who told me a knock knock joke that took me 10 minutes to get. He was laughing like I haven't heard him laugh in a long time. It had to do with poop. I thought by the age of 17 poop would have ceased causing such joy. He was disappointed that I didn't find as much humor as he did in having to say poop 3 times. Gotta love the boy.

So... back to my sister. I called her. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer almost 2 years ago. She is now cancer free and is having the time of her life with her new grandson. The call was not about her, it was about my brother.

My brother is 6 years older than I am. I was at his house for Christmas. If he catches me on the phone (which rarely happens) he can talk for hours. The past few years he has always ended our conversations with an "I love you" and if I am standing by him, he adds a bear hug.

Ed's sick. He has rectal cancer that has spread to his liver. What is it with my family that they wait till they practically keel over before they go see a Dr? He was admitted into the hospital last Sunday, he only gave permission for others to know today.

He thought it was food poisoning, salmonella from peanut butter. His wife finally convinced him he should be scared. The crazy thing is, I have this weird feeling that while I'm driving up there to see him, I'll get a call from my sister telling me it was a mix up with medical records. It was the God damn peanut butter and he's just fine.

How cool would that be....

to call my mom. Do you think there is a 800 number for heaven? I would even be willing to pay for the call. An operator would answer the phone "thank you for calling heaven how may I direct your call". Or, more than likely it would be an automated system, "you have reached heaven if you are calling to talk to God please press one, at the beep leave a message, he may or may not return your call. If you know your parties extension please press the 4 digit extension now, if you are unsure if your party is in heaven please hold and an operator will able to assist you. If your party was recently deceased you will need to speak to the purgatory dept please press 2. To reach hell please call 800-666-6666.

I'm pretty sure if there is a heaven my mom is there. That's why I can't talk to her. My dad is gone too. He would be very supportive of me, then again I would never tell him my problems cause I wouldn't want to burden him.

I don't need my parents very often anymore. But when I do, I really really do.

2 clicks to Kansas

Man oh man regrets are a killer. I have built quite a collection over the years.

I wish I had my mom or my dad to talk to about their lives, their regrets. I need to have my parents tell me that I'm a good person as only a parent can. I need a mom/daughter talk so she can tell me all the good things about me and my dad to tell me that even with all my mistakes, he's proud of me.

Parents are so important to the success of a kiddo and I am only beginning to realize that now. I watch my daughter who is a mini me. I see her self worth so tied up into what others think about her (or what she perceives their thoughts are). I talk to my son every day who appears strong but his dreams are limited to what his parents have created, a custodian and a absentee mom.

My goodness today is a day of reflection, guilt and woulda, shoulda, coulda's.

If I could learn from my past and make sure I don't make the same mistakes. I live with blinders on and try really hard not to look at my surroundings, including the children that live just a little to the left and right of me.

If I could, I would go back home. I would take my pretty yellow rambler with my porch and oak trees back. I would watch my kids finish their adolescence, watch them get married in my backyard and have my grandkids run through the house screaming at the top of their lungs.

I would even take my ex back. I would work harder on eliminating my unhappiness and shame for my wasted youth. I would focus on the future my children and their happiness.

What I thought was sacrificing myself to be what society expected, a mother and wife, wasn't sacrifice, it was life. I thought if I was unhappy I could never help my children become happy themselves. I blamed my unhappiness on my husband, my circumstances. If I could just escape my life I would be ok, then my kids would be ok.

Holy smokes, I will never be able to get past the guilt of leaving. There aren't any pills that I can take that will make me think that it was ever a good idea.

I want my mom back to help me get through this.

Blue face night

I haven't been to work for 2 days. I've been tired, really really tired. An I can't get out of bed tired. Don't want to eat, tired, did I take my pills, tired. Just darn tired.

I'm hoping my blue face will help me. I'm not really sad but for some reason I feel like crying. I can feel my eyes well up with tears and I ask myself why I'm crying. I have reasons to cry everyone does, but it's not my usual rush to answer. It's just kind of a blank answer, yeah why am I crying.

I don't know.

I think it's that time of the month (even though the womb is gone), I don't have the crazy anger I used to have now, I just have this dead tired feeling. I feel like a zombie and no one knows. No one can see or hear what I'm thinking or feeling. Just the few (if any) that read this.

I am tired.

I see you

The pleasures of life

Downtown outing

By the Way...

I washed my face, put on all my facial creams (gotta keep a handle on those wrinkles), brushed my teeth and put on my flannel PJ's. Not my moose ones, those are my comfort jammies, they are not to be shared. One of my other jammies, pants and a long sleeved shirt.

That's how I got ready for bed the other night, the same way I get ready for bed every night.

Ok, that's the last time I will think about my sleep over.

But, I did have flannels on.

Comfort is the key

I slept with someone a few nights ago. Nope, no sex, just sleep. I think it was a comfort connection. He came to my house we talked for a long time, he tolerated my dog. Some how we ended up in my bed watching a movie, talked some more kissed, cuddled (god I hate that word) then turned our backs to each other and went to sleep. We both agreed we would not have sex.

He got up in the morning, kissed me on my cheek and left for work.

We didn't talk about seeing each other again. I think he's too much like me, a lot on our minds, don't want a relationship, a little angry at the world.

Am I making excuses for him not calling, maybe. I have his number and I haven't called either.

I was just so darn nice to have a warm body in my bed and some lips touching mine for awhile.

That's all I needed, lips, arms and hands.

By the way, my daughter didn't have a clue that anyone was with me. She was with me when I met him knew that we had talked for several hours. He came over after she went to bed.

Nope, I'm not angry

What's the point at this point. No point in being angry, sad, mad, disappointed. I suppose I should be glad that he isn't mine. The guy has got to be so uncomfortable in his own skin that he constantly is someone else, too afraid to be who is really is. Then again, does he even really know? I sure as hell don't.

I think he takes on parts of others personalities that he thinks are cool, funny, parts that he'll be able to make a connection with. He's always patting himself on the back for his knowledge, happiness, his lack of neediness.

Well... God bless him! I suppose at his age he should be comfortable knowing he's a snake. One that can shed a skin as fast as he can replace it with another.

I'm really not angry, it's just another shovel full of dirt on the grave. Pretty soon the whole thing will be deep, under ground, with so much dirt on top that I won't be able to claw my way back to fantasy land.

WTFE

Can't think of one, a title that is

Never in a million years did I expect to have such an experience. One that I wouldn't want to have lived without, yet wish I'd never had.

How crazy is that?

I wonder what I would be like if I wasn't on medication? What would the real Jennifer be like?

Medication was supposed to help keep my emotions under control. Yet, I always feel so out of control. I am either way up or way down, my middle ground consists of gritting my teeth.

My legs are constantly on the move, I never eat. You'd think I would be skinny as a rail instead of the pudge that I am. I don’t go on eating binges, no packages of Oreos or quarts of ice cream. I love cold ceral. I never feel really hungry. I just feel wound up.

I never sit while I'm at home, I am constantly moving (running from the dog!), cleaning, painting, rearranging furniture, rooms, going through closets, cupboards boxes, throwing out, putting in my garage sale stack (I'm almost ready to open a store) and organizing.

I recently cleaned my office at work. My walls were full of pictures. Pictures to remind me of kids, my home, my family, my fantasy vacations. If you walked into my office you knew who I was just by looking at my desk, shelves and walls.

Now it's bare. People ask me if I'm leaving, if I'm ok? Sometimes I think I've walked into the wrong office because it is so barren. Have I become the empty shell of a person that my office says I am?

I drove my daughter to Champaign on Friday. She was singing the whole time, talking to me and laughing. By the time I got there I thought I was going to die, I needed silence. On my way back the cd player was off, the only noise I heard was my engine and Grover sniffing at my ears every so often.

Shame on me for being such a downer (good old Debbie).

Happy Valentines Day!

To all the loving couples, good friends, happy endings out there!

I am not going feel bitter or lonely today. I am going to be productive and positive.

Besides it's just a stupid Hallmark holiday anyway.

The prospect of dying should be promoted...

as a motivational tool. I think it's a great idea. If I knew I was going to die sooner than later maybe I would get off my ass, quit whining, and do something that would better myself, my kids, hell... the world.

I would quit being afraid of living because I would know how long I had.

I would show up on your god damn doorstep and kick your ass. Well... at least ring your door bell and run away.

I'll stop, I swear I will...

get over my heart flipping every time I hear Happy Ending. I will only mention it when it pertains to a fairy tale I was just reading.

I will get over that men are men. I'm just hoping that not all of them feel the need to share themselves with other women on line or anywhere for that matter. Not that really even bothers me, it's the not being truthful about who you are part that hurts.

I want to believe that there are people out there that are as painfully honest as I am. Truth only hurts for a little while, it's the not trusting that lasts forever,

Ok, I will shut up now.

And yes, I still want to be friends, but on my terms.

I wanted milk

I wanted to see a movie like I wanted to blow my brains out. Wait... that's not a good analogy. I wanted to see a movie like I wanted to hear Philip Glass play the piano. Yea... that's a better one.

Ok, so I agree to see a movie, at least let me pick it out. "No" she said, "you'll like this, it isn't what you think". Yea... ok... there I go again believing shit I know in my heart isn't true.

No no, instead I saw a movie where all they talked about was men not being interested, happy endings, having hope, men lying. Jesus man oh man! To top it off there is an older couple who sat right behind us. There were 4 people in the theater, my daughter and I were 2 of those 4 and they sat RIGHT BEHIND us!

I could picture the two exchanging sweet looks at the 'happy ending' references, squeezing each others hands. While I sat there, snorted, laughed, and coughed "bullshit", sliding further and further down in my seat. Then sitting up straight everytime "happy ending" was said. God, I was jealous.

When we did eventually walk out walk out of the theater (I stayed till the bitter end) Sarah told me I couldn't say a word, I couldn't even look at here. Everytime I opened my mouth to make a brilliant sarcastic remark about the movie we just saw, she shushed me.

He's Just Not That Into You

Yep, that was the name of the movie. I got it, I know, I understand. Why I did I have to see a movie that shoved the knife a little deeper? What the hell was I thinking?


I wanted to see Milk.

Cost of Loss

I think I'm learning what it costs to lose a friend. Besides the cost of prescriptions, there's a new tv, keyboard, home waxing kit (yes I am going to attempt it), clothes, shoes, time off work. Hours sitting starring at the phone, my monitor, mindless shit, can't make a decision and then there's the anger.

Monetarily, a whole lot, emotionally even more.

Yikes, this is just a friend, not a husband, lover, even potential mate. Just the guy I would tell everything to, my best friend.

What did you have to lose by telling the truth? Nothing. You know what you lost by lying, me.

I want to start our friendship all over again.

Dang

I should be driving to Minnesota right this minute. Instead I sit at this stupid computer playing solitaire. If I'm going to stay home I should be at work, or cleaning, or painting or rearranging furniture, hanging a picture for gosh sakes.

Instead I wait for something, something, anything.

A revelation, epiphany, phone call, knock on the door, email, a clear thought. I will take anything. I will take anything but won't take any action on my part for anything to happen. I keep waiting.

So... I should get dressed, I've had my coffee. My house was clean until the mutt decided to tear up stuff, now little pieces of paper, fluff (from his stuffed puppy) parts of Sarah shoe and popcorn are all over the floor.

Now he's tired, sleeping and quiet. It's like having a baby. I can breathe now. I can take a minute to myself. He is not a baby he's a DOG!!!

Hello world!

I'm ready for changes, must be a Obama thing. Changes in the world, economy, my life. Let's get er done!

My daughter turned 21 last Thursday. Nothing like spending your 21st celebrating with your Momma. However I don't believe there are many Mommas like me, we had a blast.

We've discovered a piano bar that just might make our Thursday night hit list. We decided to hit it again last night and closed down the place singing, dancing and shaking plastic avocados that make noise. It was great. Sarah was playing the bongos getting back into her music mode.

We stopped at a music store today to find out about restringing her violin and new hair on her bow. She is an amazing little honey with so much talent. We're hoping Carl (the piano man) will let her bring the violin up some day.

We spent the day in downtown Bloomington, wandering around the shops and meeting some of the nicest people. She is giving me such a positive fresh perspective on life.

Now if I could just get laid my life would be perfect!

ah well... no one ever promised me a rose garden

Today was brr brr brr brr cold. A crispy cold day where life just kinda stands still, your breath freezes, your words drop like ice cubes to the frozen ground. I love the crispness of the day, the colors and the shapes are all so vivid. It's invigorating! I love it!!!

For those that don't have the warmth of a loved one, a home, a good friend, just appreciate the day, the bone chilling that comes with the cold. Then set yourself someplace down where it's warm and inviting (hello coffee shop, mmm mmm vanilla latte). The warming of your bones and nose can suddenly make life worth living again.

This is a fantastic stage of the season!

Dear Diary

Today was an ok day. I haven't been sleeping well so I'm afraid I might be abusing my sleep, turn off brain, medicine. It is so nice to be in my bed, my mind empty. I don’t feel hurt, slighted, jilted, stupid, unwanted, bad motherish thoughts. I just lie there and stare at my ceiling, or sleep. I think I could do that forever.

My mind has been playing tricks on me for so long I can't trust it. Sometimes when I test my thoughts, ask a question and find out my instincts were right I wish I hadn't. Then I question if all of my negative (what I consider negative) thoughts really are true.

I want to have the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. I want my mind to be erased of all thoughts pertaining to a specific person. There are some great memories, very happy times and conversations. But are they worth the thoughts that keep cycling through my head now? Worth the continued hurt and rejection that I feel? I want to erase all of it now that I know so much of it isn't true. He would have to stretch the truth, conceal to conceal. When asked about past girlfriends, his future, his life, his dinner plans he had to lie to protect his lies.I believed so much, I believed all that I was told. I believed that twins separated at birth had found each other, that I was provided comfort, friendship, gifts, to a lonely man.

I still am excited to share things with him, music, books, stupid shirts. It still makes me happy to pack up a box and go to the post office. I set my self up for a little happiness when he opens and squeals with delight (could be a lie to protect my feelings).

Now that I know the truth, that wan't any loneliness on his part, there was comfort, friendship and gifts provided from a special someone in his life. How could I have been so stupid, how could I have missed something so special to someone who had become so special to me?

I am so tired of feeling tired, angry and sad yet, I continue to drag this on. I've known for almost a year now and I can't let go. I miss his voice when I don't hear it, I obsess over what he's doing, why hasn't he called, what screen name is in logged in under (that's another story).

When he talks about her (which is extremely rare) he sounds happy, he sounds like she makes him happy, she is smart, beautiful, he treasures the time he spends with her. He's excited about his gifts for her, their celebration, and the birthday trip. I can't think about them spending days together. I knew last year when they were leaving, when he called me, I felt physically sick, my heart hurt, I was paralyzed with such sadness, sadness that I don't think I have ever felt before. I remember sitting on my sofa when he called from their room to say they had just got there, she was in the gift shop. When he called from the store, that he had taken a quick walk to, in the cold, so he could get a treat. When he IM'ed me goodnight, knowing she was there and he was going to be crawling into bed next to her.

Altho I do have my "special" medication that turns off my mind now, it helps me to not answer the phone, to keep most of my words to myself. Sometimes I still need to put them out there, I need to read my thoughts so I don’t forget. Even thought forgetting is the one thing I so desperately want. But not as much as I want him to stay in my life.

Yikes, when is my mind going to shut this stuff off?!

ok, fine

I am going to quit checking my mailbox. Everyday I check, hoping for a smile, I know, it's stupid, can't help it.

I'm going to stop now. Sarah will get the mail from now on and I will only expect bills.

What is with me anyway?

Discovery

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. I discovered I can post from work, which is where I happen to be at right now. I haven't been here for almost 2 weeks, I came back to over 400 emails, luckily only about a third need action. but, instead of acting on them I am writing a new post.

Someone sent me an article on procrastination, which I happen to be the queen of. The slightest distraction can take my mind off whatever I was thinking and move it to a new location. A piece of dust I need to blow away, the furnace kicking in, turning my head to a new view, anything, absolutely anything moving and my mind is turning in another direction.

Maybe that isn't procrastination maybe it's ADD or ADHD or WTFE. I try really hard to focus and when I'm successful, completing a project, writing reports, taking care of my team, I feel great, accomplished, a winner. Yeah, so it only happens about once a month but darn it feels good when it happens.

I'm pretty sure my dad was like this. There must be some career that embraces those of us that prefer daydreaming and solitaire playing. Some type of job that recognizes the importance of mindless, obsessive, thinking. He tried to run a business, that makes me laugh like Santa HO HO HO. Poor guy he must of been in a panic for the hours my mom sat at the desk across from him, expecting him to be productive in the way society expects. To actually get work done that pays the bills and makes you move from a chair to a car to people you have to talk to, try to convince them they need the product you are selling. HO HO HO is what Santa would be whispering in his ear.

My dad would get distracted from his sales calls and decide we need paper towels. This was when the big warehouse stores (Sams, Costco) started. He would play in those places for hours, up and down the aisles, miles of aisles (thanks Joni). It was a dreamers heaven, so many things to look at, bulk at that! Pens by the boxes, paper towels by the dozens, toilet paper to last a year, all in ONE package!! These were all practical necessary items, everyone needs and uses them. How could my mom argue with such logic?

Poor Ed, there he was, a small business owner, had a wife that believed in him and seven kids that knew one day he would be the success he was meant to be. If he just could have gotten past the dreamer, procrastinator, ADD, ADHD, WTFE stage I'm pretty sure I would have gone on to college and been the success that my kids believe I should be. How's that for blame? I'm pretty good at that too. Actually all of my brothers and sisters are, we all blame Ed and Ann for not achieving the success we were destined to be.

I've got a new attitude?

A new year, a new beginning, a healthier life? I am going to think positive. I'm pretty sure I've said all of this before. What the heck, maybe if I say it often enough it will come true.

First I have to work on my obsessive thoughts. I was driving for hours yesterday, taking my kiddo back to his dad. 9 hours alone, with my thoughts. I realized that my new medication was not the answer I had hoped it to be, old thoughts were creeping back in and the anger came flooding back. Pissed me off that I couldn't push them back down, focus on the good things in my life, instead I was back in my old obsessive world.

I was angry about lies (withholding the truth some would label it), angry that I didn't get a present, at least a card. Angry that I still give and give and get less and less. Anger that turned into sadness, then it all turned back to the original "something is really wrong with ME", it's all me, I am worthless, a loser, fat, ugly, stupid.

Man it was a shitty day yesterday.

I came home a drugged myself out, turned off all my feelings and let my mind rest from negative thoughts.

I think that if only I got a card, some simple sign of a normal friendship, someone who wanted to make me smile, give me a moment of pleasure, I would be totally happy. I know it probably isn't that simple, but I guarantee it would have given me a moment of happiness, it would have made me smile. Not a cure for all of my ills but a temporary vacation from my negative thoughts.

Overall my Christmas was great. I had a fabulous time in MN seeing both my ex's family and my own. My ex was great, my kids were great, I was happy. I had both of them back here at my home for a week after Christmas and I loved having my kids with me.

Sarah started school last week, started a new job today and started playing her violin again (it's been years since she even would look at it). She is doing great, she is on a positive path and I believe she is going to be ok.

Spencer anger appears to be under control, he had his moments but they were only fleeting. He was able to pull himself out, he would say his piece, let us respond, listen to what we said and either tell us we were either stupid, wrong or we had a good point. Maturity is a good thing.

So... what do I do? When will I grow up and be able to think like a normal person? I don't think my expectations are too high, they aren't anything that I wouldn't be willing to do or am already doing. Ok, maybe that's my problem, I do too much, I think that giving will make others happy, they will like me knowing that I am thinking of them.

I don't know, this stuff drives me crazy. I am always setting myself up for disappointment. I should just be happy I can walk and talk at the same time.

Happy 2009!