another day another day (should be dollar)

Another day to get through. can't wait.

I need a hobby, knitting, painting, photography. Does staring off into space with an empty mind count as a hobby? Or, should there be some kind of tangible result after working on your hobby? Say a scarf or pretty pictures?

Can I really get some kind of surreal satisfaction of having an empty mind and glazed eyes?

Does my lethargic, uncaring, actions carry over into my productive work time? The time I am getting paid to pay attention and make useful contributions? Yeah... I'm pretty sure it does.

Oh well... such is life.

To use the words of one that I admire (especially his forearms) "I yam what I yam"

Now, pass me that can of spinach.

 

I hate my dog

My sweet daughter decided to leave me alone with the new mutt for a few days. We aren't getting along very well.

He barks and bites. I get angry and he reacts with even more barking and biting.

Wait a minute...that sounds vaguely familiar....the story of my life. Except some of the dogs (read; men) I know or have known, ignore me when I bark and bite. mmm...

Everything that my daughter is, I am not. She is patient, loving, tolerant, touchy/feely, and playful.

The dog loves her for all that she is.

He doesn't like me for all the things that I'm not.

I am used to an old mutt that laid by my side and loved me for me. I miss my Bear and his poop.

Maybe there is a lesson here somewhere.

Oh yeah... definitely... don't get another dog till you're really, really ready and make sure YOU (me), not your daughter, picks it out.

Oh... and maybe I should learn to quit barking and biting.

Woof

Matter of time

Man oh man I want to call. But, I won't.

Daily D Diatribe

I want to write nothing but happy entries. Words that tell my happy story. How well I'm doing, being creative, finding new outlets for my mind to express itself. I wish I could do nothing but write about happy endings to my day.

Instead I just want to cry. Cry that I get myself into such shitty situations and never seem to learn from them. I continue to push ahead, with unrealistic expectations, believing in fairy tales.

I allowed myself to become so tied up that I can't even find the knot to attempt to get  undone. It's not for days, weeks or months, I allow this stuff to go on for years. I think I get what I deserve, apparently I don't think I'm worthy of much.

Then I think and I think some more. I think about all the laughter, all the times he took me out of my blues and made me better. All the hours of conversation, what I've learned.

He is happy with a clean break and a nighty nite. Nothing more. Then again his life is full, I was the commercial breaks. I don't believe there are too many people who watch tv, movies, read magazines looking forward to the commercials, the ads. They generally are the bitter taste we all tolerate so that we can get to the good stuff.

He is just now determining that maybe he is bad for me. I think the timing correlates more with something else, maybe he is happier with his happy ending.

I don't want to write about him. I want it all to go away. I want him to fall off the face of the earth so I can make the clean break. If I could just believe that he was gone, gone for good, taken byhis happy ending to a warm place to live out their golden years.

How could this have happened? How did I allow someone to wrap themselves around me so tightly I can't move. I can barely breathe?

I was married to someone for so many years, didn't I learn from that? I thought I was so smart, I didn't need anyone. I wanted to be alone.

Why can't I stay angry, or believe that he is not worthy of me? He is someone that has lied to me from day one. The truth would come and he would give me some story that I wanted to believe, so I did.  I only know what he wanted me to know. How could I have been so stupid and naive?

He is manipulative and can somehow always throw my anger back at me, as if it's my fault. I should have known, it shouldn't matter, I brought it on myself. He acts like it's nothing. I guess to him I am nothing. just a commercial break.

I think that's what hurts me so much. How can he be so cold and callous? Nothing seems to faze him, always me overreacting. He doesn't have feelings. Nothing is lost to him, another "oh well" moment.

He appeared to care, always making himself available to me, call. "I will pick up, I will talk, sing, navigate". How can we talk every day, multiple times, sometimes for hours without there being some kind of connection? How can he not miss me, not feel bad?

Why can't I be more like him?

I am so incredibly sad, sad about being lonely.

 

 

Optimism pulled from my ass

I am determined to take control of my life and not let others guide my moods my heart strings, my thoughts and tears. Yikes I want to laugh laugh laugh. No more carrying the burden of guilt for anything I may have been a part of, some things I wasn't even close to, and I was buried myself under layers of guilt.

My beautiful daughter is incredibly funny, beautiful (did I already say beautiful?), damn smart and fairly brave. She will state her thoughts and mind to those she feels should hear. She also will pick up those she feels are slipping down the slippery slope of loss of hope. She is there for them.

My son is passing state mandetory education tests with flying colors, 100%. HELLO??? The kid is coming out of his cocoon and will soon have the wings to fly.

My new doggie is full of nothing but love (a little pee and poop but we're dealing). I love his funny face and his muskily legs. It's almost that someone created him in cartoon form. We are very very lucky.

I am going to step back a few years of my life. Forget some of the uhappier experiences and get back to my movie mode. My Ingmar Bergman, any INDIE, give me a movie that makes me think, cry, get angry and makes me want to buy their soundtrack, that movie is a winner in my mind.

I am starting back with Ingmar Bergman, Wild Strawberries. I'd seen this movie before and it truely touched my heart.

I thought it was interesting that Isak was able to watch his story, a bystander, audience member, on looker. We were able to see his reactions to what his past memories brought back to him. His pain and joy were obvious. It's been a while since I've seen this movie, I'm amazed by my memories of it. I can clearly see him sitting in the grass watching himself as a child playing with his cousins.Please enlighten me on childhood memories, explain to me abouthaving good and bad. I am stuck in real life and tend to dwell on the reality that most memories suck, unless I make them up.

He was thinking multiple types of thoughts in his road trip, not all happy. He struggled with all of his relationships and fantasized about his childhood. Looking at his past he was able realize some of his mistakes with his family and try to make amends. His son was a mess, however the movie left us with hope that everything would be peachy keen, where's the reality in that?

 

We should all be so lucky to have such soothing childhood memories. I want to go to sleep every night thinking of my family the way Isac did, my brothers and sisters happily playing together on the dock, my beautiful cousin taking my hand to help me find my mother and father. Then finding them, father fishing on the the beautifully mirrored lake while my lovely mother sits close by.

Idyllic memories, unreal but for movies.

I want to go on a long drive and realize my mistakes, understand my regrets and have an opportunity to resolve myself before I die.

I want to go to sleep with a smile on my face.

I would settle for just being an incredibly beautiful Swedish woman

wow

What was supposed to be a week (7 days) of a break from each other, somehow turned into a "clean" one and a swift "nighty nite".

I think I am in shock. I guess I wasn't the only one thinking about it.

But... ok...I guess

I should have known

I did know.  As soon as he said "what's up", I knew.

Ok, so I had a feeling. When I asked what was wrong, he told me that it was in my head, that I shouldn't "manufacture trouble".

Why wouldn't he just say, "hey, had a date, I'm tired". It wasn't just some crazy feeling I was making up, he was avoiding me, he was tired from his date.

This is the kind of stuff that drives me crazy. Makes me feel like I am crazy. This friend makes me question my feelings, emotions. It has eroded my confidence in my thinking capabilities. I can't trust my intuition.

I've acknowledged, I've accepted the Happy Ending. Why does he treat our friendship like it something clandestine. That I will be angry hurt or upset about her? How many times do I have to say, don't hide the truth from me?

It isn't that you see her that hurts me, it's your continued hiding.

I expect I won't be hearing from you today. You will  pretend that, once again, this is all me and I'm just overreacting.

I'm not, I'm just putting words through my fingertips that will not come from my mouth.

 

Beds

I have had some of my best times in bed, some of my happiest moments. Sleeping, sex, conversation, even having babies. Beds in my house, in others houses, hotel rooms, hospitals, even a few sleeping bags.

I used to think my moms bed was the best. There was something very special about laying in my moms bed. My parents slept separately, same room, just two beds, like Rob and Laura. The beds were identical, but my moms was the best.

My kids say the same thing to me. I have the best bed, softest sheets, pillows, quilts. It's funny, even when I'm visiting, staying at their dads, suddenly the bed I sleep in is the most popular.

There is nothing better than crispy clean sheets (smelling slightly of Lysol, it's a childhood thing), a clean body and thoughts of the sandman and sleepy train coming to pick me up. And, lately a good friend at the other end of the line preparing to board the train as well.

My new mutt has decided now that my bed is now to be shared. My Bear used to sleep with me. Jump up, muss of the quilt a little, lay down and sleep. I would be very careful not to wake him, once wakened he would need attention, go outside, a pet, something that would wake me up more than I wanted to be at 5am.

His last year of sleeping on my bed he would chase rabbits and kick me. His legs would run so fast in a stationary position that I thought he would slide off the bed. He never caught anything but me.

Bear in his favorite place.

Now the newbie mutt is making himself comfortable on my bed.

He looks a little pensive, that'll change.

There are some beds that I fantasize about laying my head down on.

I could sleep with Mona.

 

 

It's all about me

NOT!

I am so self centered, it's rude. I take things personally when I'm not even close to being in the picture. I "manufacture trouble" when there isn't any.

It isn't all about me all the time. Others  have thoughts, feelings, memories, family, friends loved ones that don't involve me.

I have to remember that. It would be nice if someone would remind me of that. Snap me out of the crap mindset I can put myself in. Snap their fingers in my face and tell me to snap out of my funk.

If I'm going to be sad or angry about something, it really should be real. Manufactured is wasted energy.

 

Yeah, I'm a girl...

screw me.

I write trash, touchy, whiney crap. I would love to write funny, witty, political satire. Stories of my past that would bring tears to your eyes and a smile to your lips. Words of wisdom that would teach lessons of history, music, life. 

I don't. I just write words that need to flow from my fingertips because I can't make them come from my mouth.

The great thing about this forum is you, dear reader, can exit without an excuse. You can roll your eyes, click your tongue and think, " man, what is she doing here"? You don't have to avoid eye contact and nod your head as if you're listening. You can click your little X up in the right hand corner and you are gone.

I'm ok with that. I do this for finger exercise and mental exorcism.

Sometimes it actually works.

Thanks for reading this far.

 

 

Maybe...

I like the days when I feel good. I feel like I can feel good forever. I feel like I can take anything and make it better. I feel like the moon has aligned with the stars and I am good. I feel close to all my family, the people I love. I feel so strong.

Then wham, not WHAM, just wham. It's a subtle change but quick. Here comes the crap again. I feel lost. I feel overwhelmed, needy, scared. I hate this shit.

I don't know what causes it, but I feel responsible. If I could just change, feel different, not let my thoughts wander to the dark side, I would be a better person. It is all under my control.

Why do I feel so out of control?

UH OH!

Disregard the date. It should read 09/18/2008.

Meet Grover, the latest addition to my house. A daughter and a new dog, what more could I ask for?

We've been perusing the shelter for a week now. Grover was the first dog we laid our eyes on. Being the good consumer that I am, I knew we couldn't buy the first one we saw. We had to shop!

However, we grew attached. We were there everyday, greeting, meeting, walking and no one took our heart like this crazy basset beagle mix.

His body is so long his head is out the front door while his back end is out my back door. When he turns a corner it takes a few minutes to maneuver. He bounces like Tigger and sounds like a blood hound.

We wanted to change his name to Larry. When we were out in the yard and I was telling Larry to come and what a sweet doggie he was I remembered my neighbors name is Larry. We considered Dave, bit Grover has won out.

We haven't told Spencer yet, or my ex. That will be an interesting conversation.

Joe (ex) is a fabulous and supportive friend. He's the one that took Bear to his final resting place. It was hard for him to do, he did it for me. He also said, "now don't go out and get another dog". Ok, I said. Dang.

Spencer has been begging me to get another dog for years. We visited  a pitbull mix several times at the shelter when he was here. His name was CJ, Spencer still talks about him. He is going to be a little ticked.

What am I thinking getting a dog? I think I am losing my mind.

I am the happiest I have been in a very long long time.

Just me

Just finished my first week back to work. Granted it was only half days, it was good to be back and to finish a week. Next week I am back full time. I missed my work buddies.

I am in a good mood mood. It's good to have my daughter here, it's good to have my best friend (yeah, I mean you).

I miss my mutt but I know it was for the best.

Sarah took a picture of a very cool bug at our (get it, "our") back door. This my year for critter invasions. The date is inaccurate, some day I take the option off my camera.

Good Ole Depression

Today was a hard day. Had a bit if sadness mixed with some anger. You know when you experienced a lot of changes in a short period of time and you just want someone to validate, to say I need you, I want to be in your life, rather than talk to me like he's hanging over the neighbors fence talking about corn and soy bean crops.

How are you doing? Been ok since Bear passed? Are you and your daughter doing ok? How are you holding up? Are you sleeping ok, ready to go back to work? Just a few suggestions.

Even tho you will never be my happy ending, you play a part in my current happiness. What I wouldn't give to hear something like that.

I need to get a dog.

What? I didn't catch what you said?

Even Charlie said it, "I got lost in a blizzard of words". Palin is chock full of rhetoric. She showed her expertise at marching around the questions, using many words and not saying a darn thing. Charlie was as nice as could be, but he did appear a little frayed towards the end of the, less than 10 minute, interview.

Where's Barbara when you need her? Someone needs to ask Palin how the heck she intends to implement the changes she so passionately speaks of.

I am scared that she is going to be successful at pulling the wool over too many American eyes. I could have lived with McCain with Romney or even Pawlenty, hell Condi Rice. Sarah Palin does not have the experience or relationships needed to lead the country.

I wish I could believe that we were all smart enough to see through this ruse. However in today's media run society where we believe Barbie is a role model I'm not so sure.

9/11... of all the days to have this interview.

 

A day in history

Given the date today, we should all be very nice to each other.

Better to burn out than just fade away

When I try to decide what mood to choose for a journal entry, I realize I am stuck in a cycle of sucky moods. I need to get out of my rut and start feeling more than crappy, sad, tired and a few other depressing descriptive words.

There are several I want to choose:

Blissful, ecstatic, enthralled, flirtatious, giddy, happy, inspired, jubilant, naughty (I wish), vibrant.

What great words, what great feelings. I don't believe I have ever used them to express my mood. That's sad and just a little pitiful.

So, my mission is to choose a new wonderful mood everyday and stick with it.

I crack myself up some times, ok?

Thank you Neil Young for my fabulous subject line. Fade out's do kinda suck.

For a friend

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No Title

I'm not ready to end, but I'm not sure that I should continue.

Maybe all I've needed is my kids (at least one of them) closer in proximity. Maybe it was the dog dying or the removal of the baby cocoon. Maybe it's that he still can't be honest with me about his happy ending (how can you not remember the last time you saw her?).

I don't know what's caused it, my apathy of hearing about daily activities. Maybe it's the boredom in his voice, not wanting to hear my daily activities.

I think that's it. I have become another one of his daily habits, like brushing his teeth, reading a blog, taking a nap. I'm just a call he feels obligated to make.

Bummer

I have a feeling it will just be a fade out. No more calls, no emails (there were never that many anyway), no interest. Just faded memories and maybe a ramp up on the happy ending. She should be the recipient of his calls.

It's just  not what it used to be.

I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad about it. Ok, I'm not happy about it, I'm sad. 

I can't pretend anymore. I kinda liked pretending he was my boyfriend, in a way.

Been a while

It seems like it's been forever since I have entered words. I was in MN for almost 2 weeks and was unable to log into my journal. I was full of words there. Staying with my ex and my kids. Tons of things happening and I had to hold them all in my head. Now that I can actually add, I don't really feel like my thoughts are worth it. However, I just have to get a few things out so I don't forget what a crazy time it was.

There are a few things that I will have to revisit and remember later, For now here is a list of what I went through (in chronological order):

1) 8 hour drive with the greatest lightening storm I have ever seen in my life

2) Spencer started school (Jr in high school)

3) Saw enough riot squads to last me a life time.

4) Was stuck in the middle of protestors in the streets of St Paul (scary stuff)

5) Answered my phone to my ex yelling "they're shooting tear gas, we can't get out, they're blocking us in!" Ok

6) Biggest and saddest: Had Bear (my big sweet mutt) put to sleep (I see him here, hear his click click click of nails on the floor, have his beds, food and water ready, just in case he comes back)

7) Brought my 20 year old daughter back to IL to live with me

I AM EXHAUSTED!!!