ok, I'm better

This week-end was great, I'm just sorry my mower wouldn't start. I swear if someone were to chart/graph this blog I'm sure the dark moments would be consistent in time of the month along with the moments of happiness.

Nothing like cycling when there isn't a uterus to blame anything on just those damn overies!

The black hole

I swear it's been a long time since I have hit the bottom of the pit. Not only am I in a fetal position at the bottom but the rain of tears is beginning to drown me. I am embarrassed, ashamed and don't feel much like walking this earth anymore.

I let myself get to myself. I am weak and easy to walk on and over. I hate myself for being brutally honest about my life, feeling, thoughts. I hate that my skin isn't thicker or made of Teflon. I want to be that person that chuckles at someone who is pouring their heart out. I want to be so hard that I can only focus on my broken computer while someone is breaking apart in my ear.

Telling me I lack respect for boundaries. To quick to analyze what I don't know. The reason I don't know it is because you hide it. A relationship you have been in for over 37 years. How can you hide something that has been a part of you for over half you life?

I am so confused, so fucked up. I feel so humiliated that I allow myself to get to this level of sadness. That I can't just walk away to let you snicker about what an idiot I am, then refocus on your computer woes.

My sleeping pills are calling my name.

Fleeting feelings

I knew I had better enjoy Friday, the feelings were only temporary. Not that I have crashed I just tumbled down a little, scraping my knees as they hit the concrete.

Over 30 years, wow that is a helluva long time. Maybe it's has lasted so long, cause it isn't really a relationship. Never lived together, longest time spent together is, maybe, a week? You don't have to deal with any of the bad stuff, you just drop her off. You don't have to tolerate any extended family, just her. You have got it made in the shade with this woman and she with you. No children produced from your love, no commitment, nothing but random dinners and 1 road trip. Definitely another 30 years as long as you keep it as the pace you're at.

Is this the one and only relationship you have ever been in? After she broke your heart did Peg still like her? Are you still so careful with your words and actions because you fear she may leave again? Are you always on your best behavior because you could never go through that pain again?

I need to see a picture of this perfect woman.

This is what it's all about

Sun, warmth, music, happiness, friends, children, animals (not in that order).

a clean house

taxes are paid

fridge and cupboards filled

bills paid

I have to enjoy these moments when they are here. My mind if full of nothing but hope for the future, happiness for what I have, and energy to do the things I need to do.

a thought

As the days grow longer my lingering longing for you lessens. But my wanting for written words widens.

My point was...

I went into a different direction than I orginally intended in my last post. My point was that I think I write words to myself. What I write is what I want to read. I want someone to think the thoughts that I do, about others, about me.

That was my point.

Words to myself??

I finished an email to someone I like. Someone I am going to see again this week. I already sent it and I can't take it back. I am remembering when I would funnel my thoughts through my fingertips to someone else that I liked and I scared him.

I don't think my words are scary, I think they are heartfelt but not necessarily deep or meaningful. They are just letters tapped out as my brain squeezes them though all the grey matter, past my nose, unable to escape through my lips they channel down my chest, my arms, turning at the elbows and out my tips.

I love the thought of letters tumbling around in me. Jumbles that are only complete words once they have found the right outlet to leave me. J's and S's snaking around the E's and A's. Numbers intermingling with comma's and periods. H's and P's sometimes dancing when they are made into happy words. Drooping and dark L's and D's when they are sad. Stomping P's and T's when they are angry and fat G's and O's when they are filled with life and love.

I wish I was a writer. One that could spin a tale, a web of intrigue, story of woe is me, or happy as can be. Stories filled with characters that I want to meet, wish I had known, wish I was.

I envy those that have a way with words. I know it isn't always easy, that it can be a painstaking process. A tedious tendency that won't leave you alone. What a claim to fame tho, to entertain, educate and fill with emotions that might not otherwise be felt.

I want those notebooks, to want to be in my bed with a box of bon bons and a glass of wine while my fingertips roll over the words that spilled from yours. I want the yellow strips that surround the words and sentences highlighting what is important to you. I want to see where you faltered, where you rushed, where you stopped and started.

Your words should never stop coming to my eyes.

Yep, I'm taking about you, the man that reads my blog.

Funny Girl

My stinky dog

My stomach is making noises

It's funny to hear these gurgles coming from inside me. The stinky dog, that is laying next to me, keeps lifting his head up and looking around wondering what the heck those noises are.It doesn't hurt, it's not uncomfortable, it's just noisy.

The house is quite quiet with the girl gone. She off to visit the creep for the week-end, she'll be back Monday. It's good to have some time away from each other. She is a very bad influence on me.

Silly stuff again today. I am off a few of my pills and I think it's a good thing. Too much numbing and not enough dealing with reality. We'll see...

I thought I would be ok (2)

I talked to him last night, the old one. At least I attempted to. I thought I was ready, over the hurt, moved on. I thought I was ready to be his friend. I want to talk like we did before, I want to laugh, talk about life, death, music and movies. I want to catch the train together like we did before. How can I let my old comforter go?

I shut down, again. I tried so hard to get past the sadness and hurt and I couldn't. I love this guy so darn much. He helped me in so many ways, but the hurt he caused by his withholding the truth is overwhelming the goodness and I hate that.

I want his hand to cradle the phone again with me on the other end of the line.

I need to have him back in my life and I don't know how to let him in.

Wednesday April 1st

Cleaning like crazy, energy that came from a place that I forgot I had.

I'm sleeping with my father-in-law

Not really, because he's dead. But, I am pretty sure I am sleeping with his doppelganger (not in an evil way, I just like the word and it kinda works for a description), twin separated at birth (altho he was born 40 + years later).

His eyes, nose, mouth, body, mind, work ethic, facial expressions, laugh. How did this happen? He's not as crude as my f-i-law was and he's funnier. He's eyes kinda sparkle when he's happy.

It's just a temporary arrangement, he doesn't live here, just comes here for business every so often. Met him at my fav piano bar a little over a month ago. Just an instant kinda click thing, he sang a Bobby Darin song, we exchanged email adresses, started chatting and when he's here I am with him. Probably the best kind of relationship for me now, just a physical thing.

Yeah... whatever! I swear to God if I start obsessing about this one that's it, I am going to cut myself off from men all together. I know this is trouble with a capital T and I need to step back and leave him alone. For those of you who know me (yeah I mean you) this is NOT a good thing.

However it told me that I am desirable to someone, I needed that. I needed to know that I'm not crazy, old and yucky. I also needed to be kissed, touched and a few other things that haven't happened to me for a few years. He's actually a few years younger than me too.

Ok, I am going to stop thinking about him now.

I need to call an old friend.