ah well... no one ever promised me a rose garden

Today was brr brr brr brr cold. A crispy cold day where life just kinda stands still, your breath freezes, your words drop like ice cubes to the frozen ground. I love the crispness of the day, the colors and the shapes are all so vivid. It's invigorating! I love it!!!

For those that don't have the warmth of a loved one, a home, a good friend, just appreciate the day, the bone chilling that comes with the cold. Then set yourself someplace down where it's warm and inviting (hello coffee shop, mmm mmm vanilla latte). The warming of your bones and nose can suddenly make life worth living again.

This is a fantastic stage of the season!

Dear Diary

Today was an ok day. I haven't been sleeping well so I'm afraid I might be abusing my sleep, turn off brain, medicine. It is so nice to be in my bed, my mind empty. I don’t feel hurt, slighted, jilted, stupid, unwanted, bad motherish thoughts. I just lie there and stare at my ceiling, or sleep. I think I could do that forever.

My mind has been playing tricks on me for so long I can't trust it. Sometimes when I test my thoughts, ask a question and find out my instincts were right I wish I hadn't. Then I question if all of my negative (what I consider negative) thoughts really are true.

I want to have the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. I want my mind to be erased of all thoughts pertaining to a specific person. There are some great memories, very happy times and conversations. But are they worth the thoughts that keep cycling through my head now? Worth the continued hurt and rejection that I feel? I want to erase all of it now that I know so much of it isn't true. He would have to stretch the truth, conceal to conceal. When asked about past girlfriends, his future, his life, his dinner plans he had to lie to protect his lies.I believed so much, I believed all that I was told. I believed that twins separated at birth had found each other, that I was provided comfort, friendship, gifts, to a lonely man.

I still am excited to share things with him, music, books, stupid shirts. It still makes me happy to pack up a box and go to the post office. I set my self up for a little happiness when he opens and squeals with delight (could be a lie to protect my feelings).

Now that I know the truth, that wan't any loneliness on his part, there was comfort, friendship and gifts provided from a special someone in his life. How could I have been so stupid, how could I have missed something so special to someone who had become so special to me?

I am so tired of feeling tired, angry and sad yet, I continue to drag this on. I've known for almost a year now and I can't let go. I miss his voice when I don't hear it, I obsess over what he's doing, why hasn't he called, what screen name is in logged in under (that's another story).

When he talks about her (which is extremely rare) he sounds happy, he sounds like she makes him happy, she is smart, beautiful, he treasures the time he spends with her. He's excited about his gifts for her, their celebration, and the birthday trip. I can't think about them spending days together. I knew last year when they were leaving, when he called me, I felt physically sick, my heart hurt, I was paralyzed with such sadness, sadness that I don't think I have ever felt before. I remember sitting on my sofa when he called from their room to say they had just got there, she was in the gift shop. When he called from the store, that he had taken a quick walk to, in the cold, so he could get a treat. When he IM'ed me goodnight, knowing she was there and he was going to be crawling into bed next to her.

Altho I do have my "special" medication that turns off my mind now, it helps me to not answer the phone, to keep most of my words to myself. Sometimes I still need to put them out there, I need to read my thoughts so I don’t forget. Even thought forgetting is the one thing I so desperately want. But not as much as I want him to stay in my life.

Yikes, when is my mind going to shut this stuff off?!

ok, fine

I am going to quit checking my mailbox. Everyday I check, hoping for a smile, I know, it's stupid, can't help it.

I'm going to stop now. Sarah will get the mail from now on and I will only expect bills.

What is with me anyway?

Discovery

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. I discovered I can post from work, which is where I happen to be at right now. I haven't been here for almost 2 weeks, I came back to over 400 emails, luckily only about a third need action. but, instead of acting on them I am writing a new post.

Someone sent me an article on procrastination, which I happen to be the queen of. The slightest distraction can take my mind off whatever I was thinking and move it to a new location. A piece of dust I need to blow away, the furnace kicking in, turning my head to a new view, anything, absolutely anything moving and my mind is turning in another direction.

Maybe that isn't procrastination maybe it's ADD or ADHD or WTFE. I try really hard to focus and when I'm successful, completing a project, writing reports, taking care of my team, I feel great, accomplished, a winner. Yeah, so it only happens about once a month but darn it feels good when it happens.

I'm pretty sure my dad was like this. There must be some career that embraces those of us that prefer daydreaming and solitaire playing. Some type of job that recognizes the importance of mindless, obsessive, thinking. He tried to run a business, that makes me laugh like Santa HO HO HO. Poor guy he must of been in a panic for the hours my mom sat at the desk across from him, expecting him to be productive in the way society expects. To actually get work done that pays the bills and makes you move from a chair to a car to people you have to talk to, try to convince them they need the product you are selling. HO HO HO is what Santa would be whispering in his ear.

My dad would get distracted from his sales calls and decide we need paper towels. This was when the big warehouse stores (Sams, Costco) started. He would play in those places for hours, up and down the aisles, miles of aisles (thanks Joni). It was a dreamers heaven, so many things to look at, bulk at that! Pens by the boxes, paper towels by the dozens, toilet paper to last a year, all in ONE package!! These were all practical necessary items, everyone needs and uses them. How could my mom argue with such logic?

Poor Ed, there he was, a small business owner, had a wife that believed in him and seven kids that knew one day he would be the success he was meant to be. If he just could have gotten past the dreamer, procrastinator, ADD, ADHD, WTFE stage I'm pretty sure I would have gone on to college and been the success that my kids believe I should be. How's that for blame? I'm pretty good at that too. Actually all of my brothers and sisters are, we all blame Ed and Ann for not achieving the success we were destined to be.

I've got a new attitude?

A new year, a new beginning, a healthier life? I am going to think positive. I'm pretty sure I've said all of this before. What the heck, maybe if I say it often enough it will come true.

First I have to work on my obsessive thoughts. I was driving for hours yesterday, taking my kiddo back to his dad. 9 hours alone, with my thoughts. I realized that my new medication was not the answer I had hoped it to be, old thoughts were creeping back in and the anger came flooding back. Pissed me off that I couldn't push them back down, focus on the good things in my life, instead I was back in my old obsessive world.

I was angry about lies (withholding the truth some would label it), angry that I didn't get a present, at least a card. Angry that I still give and give and get less and less. Anger that turned into sadness, then it all turned back to the original "something is really wrong with ME", it's all me, I am worthless, a loser, fat, ugly, stupid.

Man it was a shitty day yesterday.

I came home a drugged myself out, turned off all my feelings and let my mind rest from negative thoughts.

I think that if only I got a card, some simple sign of a normal friendship, someone who wanted to make me smile, give me a moment of pleasure, I would be totally happy. I know it probably isn't that simple, but I guarantee it would have given me a moment of happiness, it would have made me smile. Not a cure for all of my ills but a temporary vacation from my negative thoughts.

Overall my Christmas was great. I had a fabulous time in MN seeing both my ex's family and my own. My ex was great, my kids were great, I was happy. I had both of them back here at my home for a week after Christmas and I loved having my kids with me.

Sarah started school last week, started a new job today and started playing her violin again (it's been years since she even would look at it). She is doing great, she is on a positive path and I believe she is going to be ok.

Spencer anger appears to be under control, he had his moments but they were only fleeting. He was able to pull himself out, he would say his piece, let us respond, listen to what we said and either tell us we were either stupid, wrong or we had a good point. Maturity is a good thing.

So... what do I do? When will I grow up and be able to think like a normal person? I don't think my expectations are too high, they aren't anything that I wouldn't be willing to do or am already doing. Ok, maybe that's my problem, I do too much, I think that giving will make others happy, they will like me knowing that I am thinking of them.

I don't know, this stuff drives me crazy. I am always setting myself up for disappointment. I should just be happy I can walk and talk at the same time.

Happy 2009!