Almost a record!!

I left at 1 got here at 8! I wasn't even speeding, well... maybe a little I would cruise between 69 (what a number, I swear) and 74. I used less gas and got here quicker, it's scarin me!!

It is sooooo cold here! It's supposed to be beautiful (chilly) al week-end with the snow and rain coming late Sunday. Unfortunately I am leaving tomorrow, back to IL and will probably hit a snowstorm on my way back unless we leave early. I don't know maybe we'll drive back Sunday.

The planets and stars sparkle against the black sky here. It's so different here in MN compared to IL colors are more vivid, and everything is alive. The air is sweeter and the animals are cuter.

I need to see my brother. I am such a lousy sister, friend, relative. I haven't contacted him. I heard today he's having a really really rough time. He sounds very angry and in a lot of pain. It sounds like they are giving him the works with chemo and radiation.

He is a techy guy, the business he worked for went out of business and his health insurance is minimal. That has got to be weighing heavy on his mind. I can't imagine fighting to survive while watching everything you own drown in that survival. I don't know, my family appears to be blessed with some magical survival mode and we usually end up ok. I'm hoping that Ed gets his mode up soon.

Let me call you honey (sweetheart)

Cause I'm in love with you.

I am on my way to Minnesota. I hope everyone (that means you, honey) are having a great time with your happy ending.

I will not burst into tears, nor flash the finger, cause I really do hope you are holding her hand and walking on the campus, along the lake, downtown and being happy.

oh the wonders of nature

The grass is turning green (where the dog hasn't pooped peed or dug), I getting my yards tools together oiled and ready for work. I've put my deck furniture out and now when I wonder where the dog is I can find him laying in the backyard in the sun. I am finding the worms, that live in movable treehouses (post from 7/27/08 has picture), on my bushes again. The geese and ducks are back at the pond, the back door is open and the wind is whoosing out the stale winter air that was stuck in my house.

My daughter spent the week-end with a boy her broke her heart a few months ago. I don't like him, I don't trust him I think he is manipulative and abusive (in very subtle ways). He makes her cry and question her worth (man that sounds so familiar). My daughter can't get over him, she can't get over the fact that he broke up with her after he was caught cheating.

My oh my how clueless we women are.

She came home this morning and was looking at apartments. I pointed out that she doesn't pay me, no licence and no car. She told me that I was too controlling and I wouldn't let her move. Where the hell did that come from? I explained that I would happily pack her things right then and there and take her where ever she wanted to go.

She costs me money to live there. I had become a mother again with a dependant child, I do the laundry, cook, clean and drive her where ever she needs to be. She is careless and let's her personal appliances sit and burn. lights are on, things explode in the microwave, shoes are put on my dining room table to scratch, her painting takes place in the middle of her carpeted bedroom. I will have memories all around me when she leaves. However, she's 21, I want her out on her own for gods sake!.

Then she proceeded to tell me it was all on a subliminal level. I wasn't even aware of my need to have her live with me. I laughed and repeated what she had just so seriously had told me using the same serious tone she had. She stared at me for a minute, then we both burst out laughing.Oh yeah, I love that boy. What other crap is he planting in her brain.

I love my daughter with all my heart and we get along great. I would miss her but I would be just fine.

Nothing ever makes sense

It was one of those days where I accomplished all I wanted to, it was beautiful and the dog attacked me only once. He got a bath, my floors are all clean, the house is quiet and I am not craving tequila.

Sarah is staying with 'friends' over the week-end. I am alone for the first time, in what seems like, forever.

My phone rang twice today. Once from my sister who left me a message saying she needed to talk to me, it wasn't just a call to say I love you. Crap...

The other was from my son who told me a knock knock joke that took me 10 minutes to get. He was laughing like I haven't heard him laugh in a long time. It had to do with poop. I thought by the age of 17 poop would have ceased causing such joy. He was disappointed that I didn't find as much humor as he did in having to say poop 3 times. Gotta love the boy.

So... back to my sister. I called her. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer almost 2 years ago. She is now cancer free and is having the time of her life with her new grandson. The call was not about her, it was about my brother.

My brother is 6 years older than I am. I was at his house for Christmas. If he catches me on the phone (which rarely happens) he can talk for hours. The past few years he has always ended our conversations with an "I love you" and if I am standing by him, he adds a bear hug.

Ed's sick. He has rectal cancer that has spread to his liver. What is it with my family that they wait till they practically keel over before they go see a Dr? He was admitted into the hospital last Sunday, he only gave permission for others to know today.

He thought it was food poisoning, salmonella from peanut butter. His wife finally convinced him he should be scared. The crazy thing is, I have this weird feeling that while I'm driving up there to see him, I'll get a call from my sister telling me it was a mix up with medical records. It was the God damn peanut butter and he's just fine.

How cool would that be....

to call my mom. Do you think there is a 800 number for heaven? I would even be willing to pay for the call. An operator would answer the phone "thank you for calling heaven how may I direct your call". Or, more than likely it would be an automated system, "you have reached heaven if you are calling to talk to God please press one, at the beep leave a message, he may or may not return your call. If you know your parties extension please press the 4 digit extension now, if you are unsure if your party is in heaven please hold and an operator will able to assist you. If your party was recently deceased you will need to speak to the purgatory dept please press 2. To reach hell please call 800-666-6666.

I'm pretty sure if there is a heaven my mom is there. That's why I can't talk to her. My dad is gone too. He would be very supportive of me, then again I would never tell him my problems cause I wouldn't want to burden him.

I don't need my parents very often anymore. But when I do, I really really do.

2 clicks to Kansas

Man oh man regrets are a killer. I have built quite a collection over the years.

I wish I had my mom or my dad to talk to about their lives, their regrets. I need to have my parents tell me that I'm a good person as only a parent can. I need a mom/daughter talk so she can tell me all the good things about me and my dad to tell me that even with all my mistakes, he's proud of me.

Parents are so important to the success of a kiddo and I am only beginning to realize that now. I watch my daughter who is a mini me. I see her self worth so tied up into what others think about her (or what she perceives their thoughts are). I talk to my son every day who appears strong but his dreams are limited to what his parents have created, a custodian and a absentee mom.

My goodness today is a day of reflection, guilt and woulda, shoulda, coulda's.

If I could learn from my past and make sure I don't make the same mistakes. I live with blinders on and try really hard not to look at my surroundings, including the children that live just a little to the left and right of me.

If I could, I would go back home. I would take my pretty yellow rambler with my porch and oak trees back. I would watch my kids finish their adolescence, watch them get married in my backyard and have my grandkids run through the house screaming at the top of their lungs.

I would even take my ex back. I would work harder on eliminating my unhappiness and shame for my wasted youth. I would focus on the future my children and their happiness.

What I thought was sacrificing myself to be what society expected, a mother and wife, wasn't sacrifice, it was life. I thought if I was unhappy I could never help my children become happy themselves. I blamed my unhappiness on my husband, my circumstances. If I could just escape my life I would be ok, then my kids would be ok.

Holy smokes, I will never be able to get past the guilt of leaving. There aren't any pills that I can take that will make me think that it was ever a good idea.

I want my mom back to help me get through this.

Blue face night

I haven't been to work for 2 days. I've been tired, really really tired. An I can't get out of bed tired. Don't want to eat, tired, did I take my pills, tired. Just darn tired.

I'm hoping my blue face will help me. I'm not really sad but for some reason I feel like crying. I can feel my eyes well up with tears and I ask myself why I'm crying. I have reasons to cry everyone does, but it's not my usual rush to answer. It's just kind of a blank answer, yeah why am I crying.

I don't know.

I think it's that time of the month (even though the womb is gone), I don't have the crazy anger I used to have now, I just have this dead tired feeling. I feel like a zombie and no one knows. No one can see or hear what I'm thinking or feeling. Just the few (if any) that read this.

I am tired.

I see you

The pleasures of life

Downtown outing

By the Way...

I washed my face, put on all my facial creams (gotta keep a handle on those wrinkles), brushed my teeth and put on my flannel PJ's. Not my moose ones, those are my comfort jammies, they are not to be shared. One of my other jammies, pants and a long sleeved shirt.

That's how I got ready for bed the other night, the same way I get ready for bed every night.

Ok, that's the last time I will think about my sleep over.

But, I did have flannels on.