Comfort is the key

I slept with someone a few nights ago. Nope, no sex, just sleep. I think it was a comfort connection. He came to my house we talked for a long time, he tolerated my dog. Some how we ended up in my bed watching a movie, talked some more kissed, cuddled (god I hate that word) then turned our backs to each other and went to sleep. We both agreed we would not have sex.

He got up in the morning, kissed me on my cheek and left for work.

We didn't talk about seeing each other again. I think he's too much like me, a lot on our minds, don't want a relationship, a little angry at the world.

Am I making excuses for him not calling, maybe. I have his number and I haven't called either.

I was just so darn nice to have a warm body in my bed and some lips touching mine for awhile.

That's all I needed, lips, arms and hands.

By the way, my daughter didn't have a clue that anyone was with me. She was with me when I met him knew that we had talked for several hours. He came over after she went to bed.

Nope, I'm not angry

What's the point at this point. No point in being angry, sad, mad, disappointed. I suppose I should be glad that he isn't mine. The guy has got to be so uncomfortable in his own skin that he constantly is someone else, too afraid to be who is really is. Then again, does he even really know? I sure as hell don't.

I think he takes on parts of others personalities that he thinks are cool, funny, parts that he'll be able to make a connection with. He's always patting himself on the back for his knowledge, happiness, his lack of neediness.

Well... God bless him! I suppose at his age he should be comfortable knowing he's a snake. One that can shed a skin as fast as he can replace it with another.

I'm really not angry, it's just another shovel full of dirt on the grave. Pretty soon the whole thing will be deep, under ground, with so much dirt on top that I won't be able to claw my way back to fantasy land.

WTFE

Can't think of one, a title that is

Never in a million years did I expect to have such an experience. One that I wouldn't want to have lived without, yet wish I'd never had.

How crazy is that?

I wonder what I would be like if I wasn't on medication? What would the real Jennifer be like?

Medication was supposed to help keep my emotions under control. Yet, I always feel so out of control. I am either way up or way down, my middle ground consists of gritting my teeth.

My legs are constantly on the move, I never eat. You'd think I would be skinny as a rail instead of the pudge that I am. I don’t go on eating binges, no packages of Oreos or quarts of ice cream. I love cold ceral. I never feel really hungry. I just feel wound up.

I never sit while I'm at home, I am constantly moving (running from the dog!), cleaning, painting, rearranging furniture, rooms, going through closets, cupboards boxes, throwing out, putting in my garage sale stack (I'm almost ready to open a store) and organizing.

I recently cleaned my office at work. My walls were full of pictures. Pictures to remind me of kids, my home, my family, my fantasy vacations. If you walked into my office you knew who I was just by looking at my desk, shelves and walls.

Now it's bare. People ask me if I'm leaving, if I'm ok? Sometimes I think I've walked into the wrong office because it is so barren. Have I become the empty shell of a person that my office says I am?

I drove my daughter to Champaign on Friday. She was singing the whole time, talking to me and laughing. By the time I got there I thought I was going to die, I needed silence. On my way back the cd player was off, the only noise I heard was my engine and Grover sniffing at my ears every so often.

Shame on me for being such a downer (good old Debbie).

Happy Valentines Day!

To all the loving couples, good friends, happy endings out there!

I am not going feel bitter or lonely today. I am going to be productive and positive.

Besides it's just a stupid Hallmark holiday anyway.

The prospect of dying should be promoted...

as a motivational tool. I think it's a great idea. If I knew I was going to die sooner than later maybe I would get off my ass, quit whining, and do something that would better myself, my kids, hell... the world.

I would quit being afraid of living because I would know how long I had.

I would show up on your god damn doorstep and kick your ass. Well... at least ring your door bell and run away.

I'll stop, I swear I will...

get over my heart flipping every time I hear Happy Ending. I will only mention it when it pertains to a fairy tale I was just reading.

I will get over that men are men. I'm just hoping that not all of them feel the need to share themselves with other women on line or anywhere for that matter. Not that really even bothers me, it's the not being truthful about who you are part that hurts.

I want to believe that there are people out there that are as painfully honest as I am. Truth only hurts for a little while, it's the not trusting that lasts forever,

Ok, I will shut up now.

And yes, I still want to be friends, but on my terms.

I wanted milk

I wanted to see a movie like I wanted to blow my brains out. Wait... that's not a good analogy. I wanted to see a movie like I wanted to hear Philip Glass play the piano. Yea... that's a better one.

Ok, so I agree to see a movie, at least let me pick it out. "No" she said, "you'll like this, it isn't what you think". Yea... ok... there I go again believing shit I know in my heart isn't true.

No no, instead I saw a movie where all they talked about was men not being interested, happy endings, having hope, men lying. Jesus man oh man! To top it off there is an older couple who sat right behind us. There were 4 people in the theater, my daughter and I were 2 of those 4 and they sat RIGHT BEHIND us!

I could picture the two exchanging sweet looks at the 'happy ending' references, squeezing each others hands. While I sat there, snorted, laughed, and coughed "bullshit", sliding further and further down in my seat. Then sitting up straight everytime "happy ending" was said. God, I was jealous.

When we did eventually walk out walk out of the theater (I stayed till the bitter end) Sarah told me I couldn't say a word, I couldn't even look at here. Everytime I opened my mouth to make a brilliant sarcastic remark about the movie we just saw, she shushed me.

He's Just Not That Into You

Yep, that was the name of the movie. I got it, I know, I understand. Why I did I have to see a movie that shoved the knife a little deeper? What the hell was I thinking?


I wanted to see Milk.

Cost of Loss

I think I'm learning what it costs to lose a friend. Besides the cost of prescriptions, there's a new tv, keyboard, home waxing kit (yes I am going to attempt it), clothes, shoes, time off work. Hours sitting starring at the phone, my monitor, mindless shit, can't make a decision and then there's the anger.

Monetarily, a whole lot, emotionally even more.

Yikes, this is just a friend, not a husband, lover, even potential mate. Just the guy I would tell everything to, my best friend.

What did you have to lose by telling the truth? Nothing. You know what you lost by lying, me.

I want to start our friendship all over again.

Dang

I should be driving to Minnesota right this minute. Instead I sit at this stupid computer playing solitaire. If I'm going to stay home I should be at work, or cleaning, or painting or rearranging furniture, hanging a picture for gosh sakes.

Instead I wait for something, something, anything.

A revelation, epiphany, phone call, knock on the door, email, a clear thought. I will take anything. I will take anything but won't take any action on my part for anything to happen. I keep waiting.

So... I should get dressed, I've had my coffee. My house was clean until the mutt decided to tear up stuff, now little pieces of paper, fluff (from his stuffed puppy) parts of Sarah shoe and popcorn are all over the floor.

Now he's tired, sleeping and quiet. It's like having a baby. I can breathe now. I can take a minute to myself. He is not a baby he's a DOG!!!

Hello world!

I'm ready for changes, must be a Obama thing. Changes in the world, economy, my life. Let's get er done!

My daughter turned 21 last Thursday. Nothing like spending your 21st celebrating with your Momma. However I don't believe there are many Mommas like me, we had a blast.

We've discovered a piano bar that just might make our Thursday night hit list. We decided to hit it again last night and closed down the place singing, dancing and shaking plastic avocados that make noise. It was great. Sarah was playing the bongos getting back into her music mode.

We stopped at a music store today to find out about restringing her violin and new hair on her bow. She is an amazing little honey with so much talent. We're hoping Carl (the piano man) will let her bring the violin up some day.

We spent the day in downtown Bloomington, wandering around the shops and meeting some of the nicest people. She is giving me such a positive fresh perspective on life.

Now if I could just get laid my life would be perfect!