Can't think of one, a title that is

Never in a million years did I expect to have such an experience. One that I wouldn't want to have lived without, yet wish I'd never had.

How crazy is that?

I wonder what I would be like if I wasn't on medication? What would the real Jennifer be like?

Medication was supposed to help keep my emotions under control. Yet, I always feel so out of control. I am either way up or way down, my middle ground consists of gritting my teeth.

My legs are constantly on the move, I never eat. You'd think I would be skinny as a rail instead of the pudge that I am. I don’t go on eating binges, no packages of Oreos or quarts of ice cream. I love cold ceral. I never feel really hungry. I just feel wound up.

I never sit while I'm at home, I am constantly moving (running from the dog!), cleaning, painting, rearranging furniture, rooms, going through closets, cupboards boxes, throwing out, putting in my garage sale stack (I'm almost ready to open a store) and organizing.

I recently cleaned my office at work. My walls were full of pictures. Pictures to remind me of kids, my home, my family, my fantasy vacations. If you walked into my office you knew who I was just by looking at my desk, shelves and walls.

Now it's bare. People ask me if I'm leaving, if I'm ok? Sometimes I think I've walked into the wrong office because it is so barren. Have I become the empty shell of a person that my office says I am?

I drove my daughter to Champaign on Friday. She was singing the whole time, talking to me and laughing. By the time I got there I thought I was going to die, I needed silence. On my way back the cd player was off, the only noise I heard was my engine and Grover sniffing at my ears every so often.

Shame on me for being such a downer (good old Debbie).