go figure

I guess my anger gets the best of me sometimes. I'm pretty good at having a mix of anger and sadness, I cry and growl at the same time. I don't know why I'm so fixated on honesty. Maybe it's because I've been so dishonest in my life. I know how it tears you up to carry lies and how they tend to snowball. They get so big you can't see past them. I have made some fairly drastic changes in my life because of lies that I kept going for years. I was really hoping my last change would be my last. There are some things I just can't seem to get past.

I was reading that depression peaks in your 40's. Duh, I could have told you that. However, I have also read that you blossom in your 40's. That, as a woman you begin to recognize your strengths, passionate in your beliefs, confident in who you are. That belief was probably the thing that sent me into my deepest depression. I wasn't even close to feeling any of those things, something had to be terribly wrong with me. So I broke, shattered, fell flat on my face. Left all that I loved behind in a trail of smoke. I was in such a hurry to get away from myself, I lost sight of any real future I had with my family.

I look back now and I wish someone had slapped me upside the head. Instead everyone just kind of shook their head in disbelief and walked away.

wow, forgot this existed

I didn't remember that this existed. My thoughts haven't changed much over the past 3 years. Maybe a little lonelier, not so optimistic. Miss my children desperately, but still know I can't go back. I met many people on the net over the years. Made some very close connections, east coast, west coast, mid America. All I have been chatting with for almost 3 years. Met a few in person, funny those didn't stay. I obsess obsessively over relationships and hate the Internet support of dishonesty. You'd (well.. I did) think that in this medium people would feel freer to be who they really are, not hide behind lies and false pretences. When I joined this club I threw myself out there to be had. Everyone was made aware of my wants needs and who I really was. I believed what I was told, I trusted those who interested me. I am amazed at the shit that people don't think twice about saying, backing up lies till they almost become truth, continuing a lie for months, years! It kills me and makes me very fucking angry.