Sunday, November 16, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I don't get it...
Or, maybe I do, I'm not sure. Is it the medium or is it the gender? I'd like to think it's the medium and believe that there are some really great men out there somewhere. But, I'm jaded and lost my sense of trust a while ago. Even tho I want to believe, the realist in me is saying "what! are ya crazy?!".
Maybe it's just the genes, a hereditary trait, something that you can't get beyond because it's inherent in you, you're born with it (oh another long sentence).
I'm talking about the belief that the people we choose to befriend, love, want in our lives are good. They are not out to hurt, their intentions are good, honorable. They are as truthful to you as you are to them. My daughter and I have that gene, we inherited the optimist view of friendship.
Man oh man... when will we learn that it is a flaw? A flaw we need to overcome, over compensate for with distrust, disbelieve, suspect, doubt. And not ourselves, but all we come in contact with.
She got a call from a "girlfriend" today. Not her girlfriend, the girlfriend of a guy she's been seeing. A girl that said "you know I'm living with him". My daughter didn't have a clue, had no idea a girlfriend was involved, a live in one at that. What is it with men? What is it with us?
Seriously, what have we done to deserve to be treated so crappy?
Oh oh oh!! There I go again, somehow I always twist it to be our fault, we deserve to be lied to, we aren't worthy of the truth. Where did that come from? Why do I think that?
She didn't get angry, she got sad. She berated herself for not knowing, for trusting, believing that he was telling the truth. She is so like her mother.
How can I help her to break this cycle?
I told here it wasn't her. She was lucky to find out now, not years down the road. She should be glad she's not the woman that he is supposedly committed to. What kind of commitment is that? How hurtful would it be to be on the other side of the lie?
I wish someone could explain to me how men can justify this is their head. How they can look at themselves in the mirror and not feel a little bad. What are they thinking? Are we somehow less than they are? If I could just get a little glimpse of the thought process maybe I could help her to learn, grow, get past, be smarter of those she chooses to give a piece of herself to.
Maybe it's just the genes, a hereditary trait, something that you can't get beyond because it's inherent in you, you're born with it (oh another long sentence).
I'm talking about the belief that the people we choose to befriend, love, want in our lives are good. They are not out to hurt, their intentions are good, honorable. They are as truthful to you as you are to them. My daughter and I have that gene, we inherited the optimist view of friendship.
Man oh man... when will we learn that it is a flaw? A flaw we need to overcome, over compensate for with distrust, disbelieve, suspect, doubt. And not ourselves, but all we come in contact with.
She got a call from a "girlfriend" today. Not her girlfriend, the girlfriend of a guy she's been seeing. A girl that said "you know I'm living with him". My daughter didn't have a clue, had no idea a girlfriend was involved, a live in one at that. What is it with men? What is it with us?
Seriously, what have we done to deserve to be treated so crappy?
Oh oh oh!! There I go again, somehow I always twist it to be our fault, we deserve to be lied to, we aren't worthy of the truth. Where did that come from? Why do I think that?
She didn't get angry, she got sad. She berated herself for not knowing, for trusting, believing that he was telling the truth. She is so like her mother.
How can I help her to break this cycle?
I told here it wasn't her. She was lucky to find out now, not years down the road. She should be glad she's not the woman that he is supposedly committed to. What kind of commitment is that? How hurtful would it be to be on the other side of the lie?
I wish someone could explain to me how men can justify this is their head. How they can look at themselves in the mirror and not feel a little bad. What are they thinking? Are we somehow less than they are? If I could just get a little glimpse of the thought process maybe I could help her to learn, grow, get past, be smarter of those she chooses to give a piece of herself to.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Yeah... well...
It's raining and cold, I had heard it was supposed to get warmer. What is it about the weather, that it has such a big effect on moods? You'd think if we can send a man to the moon and a rover to Mars we would be able to create happy lights that could go in all of our light sockets. We would be able to adjust our own personal sunlight, stay warm and have a little color in our skin. Maybe moonglow lights that could fit in as well, set the romantic stage when the mood strikes.
Maybe there are such things. I need to do some reseach on lighting and color. Or, maybe I need to get my shit together, cancel crap I can't afford, meet with a financial advisor and stay away from those that can't ask a simple question "how are you doing?".
Maybe there are such things. I need to do some reseach on lighting and color. Or, maybe I need to get my shit together, cancel crap I can't afford, meet with a financial advisor and stay away from those that can't ask a simple question "how are you doing?".
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Generally I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Usually a few days and I am ok. This time the clouds aren’t lifting, it just keeps getting darker. I'm obsessing on actions that have only been fleeting thoughts in the past. I know better, I know that anything permanent will cause hurt that I will never be able to repair. Then again, how much longer can I continue to live with such sadness, anger, disappointment? How much longer will my brain hold out without blowing to little bits by itself? How much longer will my heart continue to beat before it explodes from pain?
I feel ugly, stupid, worthless. I built a relationship around something that doesn't exist. Someone that was never there and never could be. I should have been careful, I should have trusted my instincts and not pursued something I knew in my heart to be crazy.
That crazy relationship helped me to maintain some normalcy in my life. My belief that it was real, kept me ok. I felt that I was needed, loved. Not out of obligation but because of who I was. I wasn't his mother, sister, child, I wasn't a part of his family. I was something else, I thought was important to him.
I have always been a little on the edge, clinging to sanity with all my might. Always looking for acceptance, approval, unable to see any good in myself. Trying to stay away from the dark side. Always wanting someone else to validate my existence. If someone else acknowledges it, it must be true, right? But if the one person that I believed, the one person that didn't have to love me, became a lie themselves, where am I now? What should I believe? Who should I believe?
In the past drugs, alcohol, sex, would come to my rescue. They would dilute my darkness, make life tolerable for a moment. Sometimes that's all I needed, a moment, one little piece of, what seemed like, happiness to me. I don’t have anything to numb my feelings. They sit here on my skin, behind my eyes, in my brain, raw and festering. I want to scratch them away, tear them out, I don't want to feel anymore. The hurt is too intense, uncontrollable, intolerable.
I am exhausted and I am sleeping. I sleep like I have never slept before. I can’t blame my darkness on insomnia, my mind is able to rest and I still wake up in my black hole. I know that my future is bleak because of my past. I can’t get a grip on my finances and I'm drowning. My debt is insurmountable and it's just a matter of time before I start losing the material things that gave me some semblance.
I don't blame anyone, this is all my doing. Ultimately I am responsible for my feelings and actions. My life is no ones fault but my own.
I feel ugly, stupid, worthless. I built a relationship around something that doesn't exist. Someone that was never there and never could be. I should have been careful, I should have trusted my instincts and not pursued something I knew in my heart to be crazy.
That crazy relationship helped me to maintain some normalcy in my life. My belief that it was real, kept me ok. I felt that I was needed, loved. Not out of obligation but because of who I was. I wasn't his mother, sister, child, I wasn't a part of his family. I was something else, I thought was important to him.
I have always been a little on the edge, clinging to sanity with all my might. Always looking for acceptance, approval, unable to see any good in myself. Trying to stay away from the dark side. Always wanting someone else to validate my existence. If someone else acknowledges it, it must be true, right? But if the one person that I believed, the one person that didn't have to love me, became a lie themselves, where am I now? What should I believe? Who should I believe?
In the past drugs, alcohol, sex, would come to my rescue. They would dilute my darkness, make life tolerable for a moment. Sometimes that's all I needed, a moment, one little piece of, what seemed like, happiness to me. I don’t have anything to numb my feelings. They sit here on my skin, behind my eyes, in my brain, raw and festering. I want to scratch them away, tear them out, I don't want to feel anymore. The hurt is too intense, uncontrollable, intolerable.
I am exhausted and I am sleeping. I sleep like I have never slept before. I can’t blame my darkness on insomnia, my mind is able to rest and I still wake up in my black hole. I know that my future is bleak because of my past. I can’t get a grip on my finances and I'm drowning. My debt is insurmountable and it's just a matter of time before I start losing the material things that gave me some semblance.
I don't blame anyone, this is all my doing. Ultimately I am responsible for my feelings and actions. My life is no ones fault but my own.
Friday, November 7, 2008
The black hole
I'm there again, I'm in the black hole, I can't see anything I only feel hurt, beaten, so unbelievably sad. I can only think dark dreary things. I'm trying to talk myself out of it, my words are falling on deaf ears.
I'm thinking if I type maybe my eyes will catch on and I can start my way back out of this place.
Reading my sadness just makes me sadder.
I am exhausted but not to a point of sleep. As much as I want to sleep and wake up happy, I don't want to miss the few minutes of daylight.
I'm afraid of the dark.
I'm thinking if I type maybe my eyes will catch on and I can start my way back out of this place.
Reading my sadness just makes me sadder.
I am exhausted but not to a point of sleep. As much as I want to sleep and wake up happy, I don't want to miss the few minutes of daylight.
I'm afraid of the dark.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Huh?
My tooth hurts. I need to go to the dentist but I'm afraid he'll yell at me. I have been fairly diligent in taking care of my teeth this past decade. Unfortunately it doesn't matter, teeth age and do things that can't be fixed without a gazillion dollars. I don’t have enough to cover essentials, so my teeth are just going to have to wait. That seems so gross to me. I am considering doing something I KNOW isn't good to avoid yucky teeth. Then again, maybe I have to do what I'm thinking to stay healthy.
Oh my mind, what a wonderful, complex organ. One that very few understand or even want to. Not that it can be understood, maybe tolerated is a better word. My ups and downs, in's and out's. I claim nothing is black and white, that the gray matter is what the majority of my thinking is, it matches the matter it's made of. But I am a stickler, I have expectations, I want things to be my way or it's the highway. How grey is that thinking?
I have to change health plans so I cover Spencer in 2009. I'm going from an HMO to a PPO. Monthly costs are less and if your relatively healthy it's a good thing. I feel like I'm rolling the dice and the odds are stacked against me. Considering my health habits and my age I'm not in a position to be throwing dice. I need to tie up some loose ends with my current health plan before I go to the gazillion dollar deductible plan that will stop me from taking care of me because I fear the cost more than I fear the reaper. Now that was a long sentence.
I keep thinking all of these challenges come my way for a reason. Change my self destructive ways, take care of myself, own up to my past, move on and up (or, over).
I have no coping skills. I never learned to find fixes in real life, I only learned to run away. At work, I find and implement solutions to issues. I thrive on conflict and craziness at work. I can deal with system issues, people crap and corporate red tape. It's my personal life that confuses me. I can’t see anything to completion, not even painting walls. I'm not one of those that has 15 projects going and it's obvious chaos. It's a more subtle chaos, a line along the ceiling that was too far for me to reach and no one would notice unless I pointed it out. Which of course I do, I am always forthcoming with my shortcomings. I'm too afraid someone will notice and think I don’t know. So I make sure they know that I know. My mind swirls with things I have no control over and I wonder why I can't get a handle on my life.
What's my point? I don't have one. I am simply recognizing my issues and think it's a first step to doing something about them. Hopefully that one step isn't a drop off into the deep end of the ocean.
I need a list, at least a top 10 of what I want to accomplish the first 6 months of 09. Maybe if I post that list, make it real, I can make it happen. They don’t have be done in the order written they just have to get done. They have to be realistic goals, no trips to the moon for me. Maybe a day trip to Chicago, now that's doable. A train trip, no driving, get on the train get off the train, walk around, get back on the train, get off the train. I can do that, seriously.
What's worthy of my top ten list? If I think too much about it I will get overwhelmed and not do it at all. So maybe one of the things on my list is to create a list. Wow, 1 down 9 to go, that was easy!
_________________________________________________
Oh my mind, what a wonderful, complex organ. One that very few understand or even want to. Not that it can be understood, maybe tolerated is a better word. My ups and downs, in's and out's. I claim nothing is black and white, that the gray matter is what the majority of my thinking is, it matches the matter it's made of. But I am a stickler, I have expectations, I want things to be my way or it's the highway. How grey is that thinking?
I have to change health plans so I cover Spencer in 2009. I'm going from an HMO to a PPO. Monthly costs are less and if your relatively healthy it's a good thing. I feel like I'm rolling the dice and the odds are stacked against me. Considering my health habits and my age I'm not in a position to be throwing dice. I need to tie up some loose ends with my current health plan before I go to the gazillion dollar deductible plan that will stop me from taking care of me because I fear the cost more than I fear the reaper. Now that was a long sentence.
I keep thinking all of these challenges come my way for a reason. Change my self destructive ways, take care of myself, own up to my past, move on and up (or, over).
I have no coping skills. I never learned to find fixes in real life, I only learned to run away. At work, I find and implement solutions to issues. I thrive on conflict and craziness at work. I can deal with system issues, people crap and corporate red tape. It's my personal life that confuses me. I can’t see anything to completion, not even painting walls. I'm not one of those that has 15 projects going and it's obvious chaos. It's a more subtle chaos, a line along the ceiling that was too far for me to reach and no one would notice unless I pointed it out. Which of course I do, I am always forthcoming with my shortcomings. I'm too afraid someone will notice and think I don’t know. So I make sure they know that I know. My mind swirls with things I have no control over and I wonder why I can't get a handle on my life.
What's my point? I don't have one. I am simply recognizing my issues and think it's a first step to doing something about them. Hopefully that one step isn't a drop off into the deep end of the ocean.
I need a list, at least a top 10 of what I want to accomplish the first 6 months of 09. Maybe if I post that list, make it real, I can make it happen. They don’t have be done in the order written they just have to get done. They have to be realistic goals, no trips to the moon for me. Maybe a day trip to Chicago, now that's doable. A train trip, no driving, get on the train get off the train, walk around, get back on the train, get off the train. I can do that, seriously.
What's worthy of my top ten list? If I think too much about it I will get overwhelmed and not do it at all. So maybe one of the things on my list is to create a list. Wow, 1 down 9 to go, that was easy!
_________________________________________________
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Cheating
I have created a door that opens into my mind. That open door allows others to know what is going on in my mind, without hearing my voice. I'm not sure that I like that. It's allowing someone to cheat, know what I'm thinking, in a shortcut way. There aren't any calls to see "what's up". My phone isn't ringing and my voice is given only to a few that I don't really want to give it to (with the exception of my kids).
Maybe the blog isn't such a good idea. I don't believe anyone else is reading, but the one that I want to ring me up. Or, maybe not. Maybe, I am the only one that reads these words, I think, I type, I read for me, myself and I.
Then again, it has been a really busy time (hello election) and a milestone birthday is coming up. Election will end and another year begins on Nov 4th. How cools is that, to have 2 things to celebrate all wrapped up in one day (as long as our candidate wins)? Oh yeah, you also have a girlfriend that has all of you, mind, body and spirit. You're just a busy guy with a few plates spinning.
Then again, it could be that I can't talk. The phone has become just another thing I have to do. I have to answer, I have to talk, I feel like I have to pretend to be happy.
Maybe the blog isn't such a good idea. I don't believe anyone else is reading, but the one that I want to ring me up. Or, maybe not. Maybe, I am the only one that reads these words, I think, I type, I read for me, myself and I.
Then again, it has been a really busy time (hello election) and a milestone birthday is coming up. Election will end and another year begins on Nov 4th. How cools is that, to have 2 things to celebrate all wrapped up in one day (as long as our candidate wins)? Oh yeah, you also have a girlfriend that has all of you, mind, body and spirit. You're just a busy guy with a few plates spinning.
Then again, it could be that I can't talk. The phone has become just another thing I have to do. I have to answer, I have to talk, I feel like I have to pretend to be happy.
Oh well...it's not as though my life is all that fascinating, or my opinions are worth the breath they take to voice, I am not a happy person.
Sarah left today for Minnesota. Her temp job was just that, temporary, a whole 3 weeks. Her last day was Friday, they called her when she got home from work to let her know she didn't need to come back. She burst into tears and said "I need to go home". Then I burst into tears.
I knew I couldn't drive her, 16 hours round trip and 1000 miles was more than I could do. Even with gas at 2.24 I still couldn't afford the trip. We checked flights (what the heck), then we checked the train. Booked the ticket and I watched her board the Empire Builder route this morning to her "home".
Tears are coming out of my eyes and running down my cheeks as I type this. I am afraid she won't come back. Which I will totally understand, I wouldn't come back either. My fear is being alone again. Life is just not good and there are times when I don't think clearly. I'm afraid that my thoughts will overtake me and I will do something that I won't be able to recover from. Maybe I have already done the unrecoverable, and she is saving herself.
Man, it sounds like I am somewhat self aware and if that's so, I should take steps to make sure I stay on an even keel (as even as I can) Do some preemptive strikes, get help while I am thinking clearly. Unfortunately that's not me. Instead I will take a hot bath, take my pills, wish I was somewhere (someone) else, go to sleep obsessing over the call that was too short, get up, go to work and start my groundhog day, week, all over again.
Maybe I'll make some brownies or cookies or pudding and add some ice cream, I already went shopping today.
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