Huh?

My tooth hurts. I need to go to the dentist but I'm afraid he'll yell at me. I have been fairly diligent in taking care of my teeth this past decade. Unfortunately it doesn't matter, teeth age and do things that can't be fixed without a gazillion dollars. I don’t have enough to cover essentials, so my teeth are just going to have to wait. That seems so gross to me. I am considering doing something I KNOW isn't good to avoid yucky teeth. Then again, maybe I have to do what I'm thinking to stay healthy.

Oh my mind, what a wonderful, complex organ. One that very few understand or even want to. Not that it can be understood, maybe tolerated is a better word. My ups and downs, in's and out's. I claim nothing is black and white, that the gray matter is what the majority of my thinking is, it matches the matter it's made of. But I am a stickler, I have expectations, I want things to be my way or it's the highway. How grey is that thinking?

I have to change health plans so I cover Spencer in 2009. I'm going from an HMO to a PPO. Monthly costs are less and if your relatively healthy it's a good thing. I feel like I'm rolling the dice and the odds are stacked against me. Considering my health habits and my age I'm not in a position to be throwing dice. I need to tie up some loose ends with my current health plan before I go to the gazillion dollar deductible plan that will stop me from taking care of me because I fear the cost more than I fear the reaper. Now that was a long sentence.

I keep thinking all of these challenges come my way for a reason. Change my self destructive ways, take care of myself, own up to my past, move on and up (or, over).

I have no coping skills. I never learned to find fixes in real life, I only learned to run away. At work, I find and implement solutions to issues. I thrive on conflict and craziness at work. I can deal with system issues, people crap and corporate red tape. It's my personal life that confuses me. I can’t see anything to completion, not even painting walls. I'm not one of those that has 15 projects going and it's obvious chaos. It's a more subtle chaos, a line along the ceiling that was too far for me to reach and no one would notice unless I pointed it out. Which of course I do, I am always forthcoming with my shortcomings. I'm too afraid someone will notice and think I don’t know. So I make sure they know that I know. My mind swirls with things I have no control over and I wonder why I can't get a handle on my life.

What's my point? I don't have one. I am simply recognizing my issues and think it's a first step to doing something about them. Hopefully that one step isn't a drop off into the deep end of the ocean.

I need a list, at least a top 10 of what I want to accomplish the first 6 months of 09. Maybe if I post that list, make it real, I can make it happen. They don’t have be done in the order written they just have to get done. They have to be realistic goals, no trips to the moon for me. Maybe a day trip to Chicago, now that's doable. A train trip, no driving, get on the train get off the train, walk around, get back on the train, get off the train. I can do that, seriously.

What's worthy of my top ten list? If I think too much about it I will get overwhelmed and not do it at all. So maybe one of the things on my list is to create a list. Wow, 1 down 9 to go, that was easy!
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