The black hole

I swear it's been a long time since I have hit the bottom of the pit. Not only am I in a fetal position at the bottom but the rain of tears is beginning to drown me. I am embarrassed, ashamed and don't feel much like walking this earth anymore.

I let myself get to myself. I am weak and easy to walk on and over. I hate myself for being brutally honest about my life, feeling, thoughts. I hate that my skin isn't thicker or made of Teflon. I want to be that person that chuckles at someone who is pouring their heart out. I want to be so hard that I can only focus on my broken computer while someone is breaking apart in my ear.

Telling me I lack respect for boundaries. To quick to analyze what I don't know. The reason I don't know it is because you hide it. A relationship you have been in for over 37 years. How can you hide something that has been a part of you for over half you life?

I am so confused, so fucked up. I feel so humiliated that I allow myself to get to this level of sadness. That I can't just walk away to let you snicker about what an idiot I am, then refocus on your computer woes.

My sleeping pills are calling my name.