ah well... no one ever promised me a rose garden

Today was brr brr brr brr cold. A crispy cold day where life just kinda stands still, your breath freezes, your words drop like ice cubes to the frozen ground. I love the crispness of the day, the colors and the shapes are all so vivid. It's invigorating! I love it!!!

For those that don't have the warmth of a loved one, a home, a good friend, just appreciate the day, the bone chilling that comes with the cold. Then set yourself someplace down where it's warm and inviting (hello coffee shop, mmm mmm vanilla latte). The warming of your bones and nose can suddenly make life worth living again.

This is a fantastic stage of the season!

Dear Diary

Today was an ok day. I haven't been sleeping well so I'm afraid I might be abusing my sleep, turn off brain, medicine. It is so nice to be in my bed, my mind empty. I don’t feel hurt, slighted, jilted, stupid, unwanted, bad motherish thoughts. I just lie there and stare at my ceiling, or sleep. I think I could do that forever.

My mind has been playing tricks on me for so long I can't trust it. Sometimes when I test my thoughts, ask a question and find out my instincts were right I wish I hadn't. Then I question if all of my negative (what I consider negative) thoughts really are true.

I want to have the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. I want my mind to be erased of all thoughts pertaining to a specific person. There are some great memories, very happy times and conversations. But are they worth the thoughts that keep cycling through my head now? Worth the continued hurt and rejection that I feel? I want to erase all of it now that I know so much of it isn't true. He would have to stretch the truth, conceal to conceal. When asked about past girlfriends, his future, his life, his dinner plans he had to lie to protect his lies.I believed so much, I believed all that I was told. I believed that twins separated at birth had found each other, that I was provided comfort, friendship, gifts, to a lonely man.

I still am excited to share things with him, music, books, stupid shirts. It still makes me happy to pack up a box and go to the post office. I set my self up for a little happiness when he opens and squeals with delight (could be a lie to protect my feelings).

Now that I know the truth, that wan't any loneliness on his part, there was comfort, friendship and gifts provided from a special someone in his life. How could I have been so stupid, how could I have missed something so special to someone who had become so special to me?

I am so tired of feeling tired, angry and sad yet, I continue to drag this on. I've known for almost a year now and I can't let go. I miss his voice when I don't hear it, I obsess over what he's doing, why hasn't he called, what screen name is in logged in under (that's another story).

When he talks about her (which is extremely rare) he sounds happy, he sounds like she makes him happy, she is smart, beautiful, he treasures the time he spends with her. He's excited about his gifts for her, their celebration, and the birthday trip. I can't think about them spending days together. I knew last year when they were leaving, when he called me, I felt physically sick, my heart hurt, I was paralyzed with such sadness, sadness that I don't think I have ever felt before. I remember sitting on my sofa when he called from their room to say they had just got there, she was in the gift shop. When he called from the store, that he had taken a quick walk to, in the cold, so he could get a treat. When he IM'ed me goodnight, knowing she was there and he was going to be crawling into bed next to her.

Altho I do have my "special" medication that turns off my mind now, it helps me to not answer the phone, to keep most of my words to myself. Sometimes I still need to put them out there, I need to read my thoughts so I don’t forget. Even thought forgetting is the one thing I so desperately want. But not as much as I want him to stay in my life.

Yikes, when is my mind going to shut this stuff off?!

ok, fine

I am going to quit checking my mailbox. Everyday I check, hoping for a smile, I know, it's stupid, can't help it.

I'm going to stop now. Sarah will get the mail from now on and I will only expect bills.

What is with me anyway?

Discovery

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. I discovered I can post from work, which is where I happen to be at right now. I haven't been here for almost 2 weeks, I came back to over 400 emails, luckily only about a third need action. but, instead of acting on them I am writing a new post.

Someone sent me an article on procrastination, which I happen to be the queen of. The slightest distraction can take my mind off whatever I was thinking and move it to a new location. A piece of dust I need to blow away, the furnace kicking in, turning my head to a new view, anything, absolutely anything moving and my mind is turning in another direction.

Maybe that isn't procrastination maybe it's ADD or ADHD or WTFE. I try really hard to focus and when I'm successful, completing a project, writing reports, taking care of my team, I feel great, accomplished, a winner. Yeah, so it only happens about once a month but darn it feels good when it happens.

I'm pretty sure my dad was like this. There must be some career that embraces those of us that prefer daydreaming and solitaire playing. Some type of job that recognizes the importance of mindless, obsessive, thinking. He tried to run a business, that makes me laugh like Santa HO HO HO. Poor guy he must of been in a panic for the hours my mom sat at the desk across from him, expecting him to be productive in the way society expects. To actually get work done that pays the bills and makes you move from a chair to a car to people you have to talk to, try to convince them they need the product you are selling. HO HO HO is what Santa would be whispering in his ear.

My dad would get distracted from his sales calls and decide we need paper towels. This was when the big warehouse stores (Sams, Costco) started. He would play in those places for hours, up and down the aisles, miles of aisles (thanks Joni). It was a dreamers heaven, so many things to look at, bulk at that! Pens by the boxes, paper towels by the dozens, toilet paper to last a year, all in ONE package!! These were all practical necessary items, everyone needs and uses them. How could my mom argue with such logic?

Poor Ed, there he was, a small business owner, had a wife that believed in him and seven kids that knew one day he would be the success he was meant to be. If he just could have gotten past the dreamer, procrastinator, ADD, ADHD, WTFE stage I'm pretty sure I would have gone on to college and been the success that my kids believe I should be. How's that for blame? I'm pretty good at that too. Actually all of my brothers and sisters are, we all blame Ed and Ann for not achieving the success we were destined to be.

I've got a new attitude?

A new year, a new beginning, a healthier life? I am going to think positive. I'm pretty sure I've said all of this before. What the heck, maybe if I say it often enough it will come true.

First I have to work on my obsessive thoughts. I was driving for hours yesterday, taking my kiddo back to his dad. 9 hours alone, with my thoughts. I realized that my new medication was not the answer I had hoped it to be, old thoughts were creeping back in and the anger came flooding back. Pissed me off that I couldn't push them back down, focus on the good things in my life, instead I was back in my old obsessive world.

I was angry about lies (withholding the truth some would label it), angry that I didn't get a present, at least a card. Angry that I still give and give and get less and less. Anger that turned into sadness, then it all turned back to the original "something is really wrong with ME", it's all me, I am worthless, a loser, fat, ugly, stupid.

Man it was a shitty day yesterday.

I came home a drugged myself out, turned off all my feelings and let my mind rest from negative thoughts.

I think that if only I got a card, some simple sign of a normal friendship, someone who wanted to make me smile, give me a moment of pleasure, I would be totally happy. I know it probably isn't that simple, but I guarantee it would have given me a moment of happiness, it would have made me smile. Not a cure for all of my ills but a temporary vacation from my negative thoughts.

Overall my Christmas was great. I had a fabulous time in MN seeing both my ex's family and my own. My ex was great, my kids were great, I was happy. I had both of them back here at my home for a week after Christmas and I loved having my kids with me.

Sarah started school last week, started a new job today and started playing her violin again (it's been years since she even would look at it). She is doing great, she is on a positive path and I believe she is going to be ok.

Spencer anger appears to be under control, he had his moments but they were only fleeting. He was able to pull himself out, he would say his piece, let us respond, listen to what we said and either tell us we were either stupid, wrong or we had a good point. Maturity is a good thing.

So... what do I do? When will I grow up and be able to think like a normal person? I don't think my expectations are too high, they aren't anything that I wouldn't be willing to do or am already doing. Ok, maybe that's my problem, I do too much, I think that giving will make others happy, they will like me knowing that I am thinking of them.

I don't know, this stuff drives me crazy. I am always setting myself up for disappointment. I should just be happy I can walk and talk at the same time.

Happy 2009!

Happy Holidays

It's been a while and I have been thinking a lot. Bad things, good things, stupid things and I gotta get my shit together things. Based on advice from a good friend who believes that chemicals can balance thoughts, I went to the doctor. Lo and behold I am on new meds that are still charging up in my system but I already feel a little more balanced.

So Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat, and I am putting a penny in the old mans hat. Thank you Mr D for being there.

Screw it

I'm done.

I don't get it...

Or, maybe I do, I'm not sure. Is it the medium or is it the gender? I'd like to think it's the medium and believe that there are some really great men out there somewhere. But, I'm jaded and lost my sense of trust a while ago. Even tho I want to believe, the realist in me is saying "what! are ya crazy?!".

Maybe it's just the genes, a hereditary trait, something that you can't get beyond because it's inherent in you, you're born with it (oh another long sentence).

I'm talking about the belief that the people we choose to befriend, love, want in our lives are good. They are not out to hurt, their intentions are good, honorable. They are as truthful to you as you are to them. My daughter and I have that gene, we inherited the optimist view of friendship.

Man oh man... when will we learn that it is a flaw? A flaw we need to overcome, over compensate for with distrust, disbelieve, suspect, doubt. And not ourselves, but all we come in contact with.

She got a call from a "girlfriend" today. Not her girlfriend, the girlfriend of a guy she's been seeing. A girl that said "you know I'm living with him". My daughter didn't have a clue, had no idea a girlfriend was involved, a live in one at that. What is it with men? What is it with us?

Seriously, what have we done to deserve to be treated so crappy?

Oh oh oh!! There I go again, somehow I always twist it to be our fault, we deserve to be lied to, we aren't worthy of the truth. Where did that come from? Why do I think that?

She didn't get angry, she got sad. She berated herself for not knowing, for trusting, believing that he was telling the truth. She is so like her mother.

How can I help her to break this cycle?

I told here it wasn't her. She was lucky to find out now, not years down the road. She should be glad she's not the woman that he is supposedly committed to. What kind of commitment is that? How hurtful would it be to be on the other side of the lie?

I wish someone could explain to me how men can justify this is their head. How they can look at themselves in the mirror and not feel a little bad. What are they thinking? Are we somehow less than they are? If I could just get a little glimpse of the thought process maybe I could help her to learn, grow, get past, be smarter of those she chooses to give a piece of herself to.

Yeah... well...

It's raining and cold, I had heard it was supposed to get warmer. What is it about the weather, that it has such a big effect on moods? You'd think if we can send a man to the moon and a rover to Mars we would be able to create happy lights that could go in all of our light sockets. We would be able to adjust our own personal sunlight, stay warm and have a little color in our skin. Maybe moonglow lights that could fit in as well, set the romantic stage when the mood strikes.

Maybe there are such things. I need to do some reseach on lighting and color. Or, maybe I need to get my shit together, cancel crap I can't afford, meet with a financial advisor and stay away from those that can't ask a simple question "how are you doing?".

Generally I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Usually a few days and I am ok. This time the clouds aren’t lifting, it just keeps getting darker. I'm obsessing on actions that have only been fleeting thoughts in the past. I know better, I know that anything permanent will cause hurt that I will never be able to repair. Then again, how much longer can I continue to live with such sadness, anger, disappointment? How much longer will my brain hold out without blowing to little bits by itself? How much longer will my heart continue to beat before it explodes from pain?

I feel ugly, stupid, worthless. I built a relationship around something that doesn't exist. Someone that was never there and never could be. I should have been careful, I should have trusted my instincts and not pursued something I knew in my heart to be crazy.

That crazy relationship helped me to maintain some normalcy in my life. My belief that it was real, kept me ok. I felt that I was needed, loved. Not out of obligation but because of who I was. I wasn't his mother, sister, child, I wasn't a part of his family. I was something else, I thought was important to him.

I have always been a little on the edge, clinging to sanity with all my might. Always looking for acceptance, approval, unable to see any good in myself. Trying to stay away from the dark side. Always wanting someone else to validate my existence. If someone else acknowledges it, it must be true, right? But if the one person that I believed, the one person that didn't have to love me, became a lie themselves, where am I now? What should I believe? Who should I believe?

In the past drugs, alcohol, sex, would come to my rescue. They would dilute my darkness, make life tolerable for a moment. Sometimes that's all I needed, a moment, one little piece of, what seemed like, happiness to me. I don’t have anything to numb my feelings. They sit here on my skin, behind my eyes, in my brain, raw and festering. I want to scratch them away, tear them out, I don't want to feel anymore. The hurt is too intense, uncontrollable, intolerable.

I am exhausted and I am sleeping. I sleep like I have never slept before. I can’t blame my darkness on insomnia, my mind is able to rest and I still wake up in my black hole. I know that my future is bleak because of my past. I can’t get a grip on my finances and I'm drowning. My debt is insurmountable and it's just a matter of time before I start losing the material things that gave me some semblance.

I don't blame anyone, this is all my doing. Ultimately I am responsible for my feelings and actions. My life is no ones fault but my own.

The black hole

I'm there again, I'm in the black hole, I can't see anything I only feel hurt, beaten, so unbelievably sad. I can only think dark dreary things. I'm trying to talk myself out of it, my words are falling on deaf ears.

I'm thinking if I type maybe my eyes will catch on and I can start my way back out of this place.

Reading my sadness just makes me sadder.

I am exhausted but not to a point of sleep. As much as I want to sleep and wake up happy, I don't want to miss the few minutes of daylight.

I'm afraid of the dark.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

You are so very special to me and I am very happy you are a part of my life.

I was thinking it was 4 years I've been wishing you Happy Birthday, I guess it's only 3! I am thrilled for your day and can't wait for updates from my very own "poll watcher".

Huh?

My tooth hurts. I need to go to the dentist but I'm afraid he'll yell at me. I have been fairly diligent in taking care of my teeth this past decade. Unfortunately it doesn't matter, teeth age and do things that can't be fixed without a gazillion dollars. I don’t have enough to cover essentials, so my teeth are just going to have to wait. That seems so gross to me. I am considering doing something I KNOW isn't good to avoid yucky teeth. Then again, maybe I have to do what I'm thinking to stay healthy.

Oh my mind, what a wonderful, complex organ. One that very few understand or even want to. Not that it can be understood, maybe tolerated is a better word. My ups and downs, in's and out's. I claim nothing is black and white, that the gray matter is what the majority of my thinking is, it matches the matter it's made of. But I am a stickler, I have expectations, I want things to be my way or it's the highway. How grey is that thinking?

I have to change health plans so I cover Spencer in 2009. I'm going from an HMO to a PPO. Monthly costs are less and if your relatively healthy it's a good thing. I feel like I'm rolling the dice and the odds are stacked against me. Considering my health habits and my age I'm not in a position to be throwing dice. I need to tie up some loose ends with my current health plan before I go to the gazillion dollar deductible plan that will stop me from taking care of me because I fear the cost more than I fear the reaper. Now that was a long sentence.

I keep thinking all of these challenges come my way for a reason. Change my self destructive ways, take care of myself, own up to my past, move on and up (or, over).

I have no coping skills. I never learned to find fixes in real life, I only learned to run away. At work, I find and implement solutions to issues. I thrive on conflict and craziness at work. I can deal with system issues, people crap and corporate red tape. It's my personal life that confuses me. I can’t see anything to completion, not even painting walls. I'm not one of those that has 15 projects going and it's obvious chaos. It's a more subtle chaos, a line along the ceiling that was too far for me to reach and no one would notice unless I pointed it out. Which of course I do, I am always forthcoming with my shortcomings. I'm too afraid someone will notice and think I don’t know. So I make sure they know that I know. My mind swirls with things I have no control over and I wonder why I can't get a handle on my life.

What's my point? I don't have one. I am simply recognizing my issues and think it's a first step to doing something about them. Hopefully that one step isn't a drop off into the deep end of the ocean.

I need a list, at least a top 10 of what I want to accomplish the first 6 months of 09. Maybe if I post that list, make it real, I can make it happen. They don’t have be done in the order written they just have to get done. They have to be realistic goals, no trips to the moon for me. Maybe a day trip to Chicago, now that's doable. A train trip, no driving, get on the train get off the train, walk around, get back on the train, get off the train. I can do that, seriously.

What's worthy of my top ten list? If I think too much about it I will get overwhelmed and not do it at all. So maybe one of the things on my list is to create a list. Wow, 1 down 9 to go, that was easy!
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Cheating

I have created a door that opens into my mind. That open door allows others to know what is going on in my mind, without hearing my voice. I'm not sure that I like that. It's allowing someone to cheat, know what I'm thinking, in a shortcut way. There aren't any calls to see "what's up". My phone isn't ringing and my voice is given only to a few that I don't really want to give it to (with the exception of my kids).

Maybe the blog isn't such a good idea. I don't believe anyone else is reading, but the one that I want to ring me up. Or, maybe not. Maybe, I am the only one that reads these words, I think, I type, I read for me, myself and I.

Then again, it has been a really busy time (hello election) and a milestone birthday is coming up. Election will end and another year begins on Nov 4th. How cools is that, to have 2 things to celebrate all wrapped up in one day (as long as our candidate wins)? Oh yeah, you also have a girlfriend that has all of you, mind, body and spirit. You're just a busy guy with a few plates spinning.

Then again, it could be that I can't talk. The phone has become just another thing I have to do. I have to answer, I have to talk, I feel like I have to pretend to be happy.

Oh well...it's not as though my life is all that fascinating, or my opinions are worth the breath they take to voice, I am not a happy person.

Sarah left today for Minnesota. Her temp job was just that, temporary, a whole 3 weeks. Her last day was Friday, they called her when she got home from work to let her know she didn't need to come back. She burst into tears and said "I need to go home". Then I burst into tears.

I knew I couldn't drive her, 16 hours round trip and 1000 miles was more than I could do. Even with gas at 2.24 I still couldn't afford the trip. We checked flights (what the heck), then we checked the train. Booked the ticket and I watched her board the Empire Builder route this morning to her "home".

Tears are coming out of my eyes and running down my cheeks as I type this. I am afraid she won't come back. Which I will totally understand, I wouldn't come back either. My fear is being alone again. Life is just not good and there are times when I don't think clearly. I'm afraid that my thoughts will overtake me and I will do something that I won't be able to recover from. Maybe I have already done the unrecoverable, and she is saving herself.

Man, it sounds like I am somewhat self aware and if that's so, I should take steps to make sure I stay on an even keel (as even as I can) Do some preemptive strikes, get help while I am thinking clearly. Unfortunately that's not me. Instead I will take a hot bath, take my pills, wish I was somewhere (someone) else, go to sleep obsessing over the call that was too short, get up, go to work and start my groundhog day, week, all over again.

Maybe I'll make some brownies or cookies or pudding and add some ice cream, I already went shopping today.

Lone Ranger

Another day of contemplation and no action. I think I need a date and some sex. Maybe just a date, or maybe just some sex. Or, maybe I need to get drunk or high. I need to go back to some of my self destructive habits. I know I haven't given up the fiscal irresponsibility which provided me with little highs of happiness with purchases. However when I shop it doesn't make me laugh till my guts hurt.

Honestly I haven't had a really good laugh in a long time. I've had some little laughs and chuckles here and there but nothing where I choke, sputter and pee my pants. Man oh man, the good old days!

Speaking of peeing my pants... I need to test my bladder surgery/sling thing. A good laugh would be a great test.

I tell you this delusional world I live in is so real to me. There are times when the world is crashing in on me, then suddenly the sun comes out and I think it will be ok. Ok, that is, until the next bill arrives then the cycle starts all over again. Talk about peaks and valleys!

Someone to watch over me

I need a guiding hand. One that will take mine and guide me to the areas of change that have to occur. He would be my change agent. I can't think straight, I am all over the place, my brain tells me something, my body does something different. Nothing has changed since yesterday. No movement on my part to meet with the bank to try and negotiate. I haven't shut down my cable or phone. I walk through my day scared shitless of the phone ringing, that someone will actually get through. I try to do things that are productive. I should be at the bank, I should be applying for jobs, I should be in counseling. I should be screaming at the top of my lungs what a fuck up I am.

Oh well... What can I do... pills are washed down my throat and my pillow is calling.

My Great Escape

If you really love me. won't you tell me. If really need me, won't you tell me, than I won't have to be hanging around. When your mood is clear than you quickly change your ways. (these were words of a song I happened to be listening to,no hidden message or blatant one for that matter)

My point exactly! (it will never make sense)

Exxon Mobile posts biggest US quarterly profit ever

comforting

I needed a more comforting visual for my blog/journal/thoughts and words. I needed something easy on my eyes and one that made me want to participate. I am testing this one today. Yesterday was a hard day. I don't see today as much better. The weather is beautiful, a perfect fall day. I am going to try and occupy myself with busy work. Work that makes my mind think of 'shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings and why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wigs' (sweet words from a sweet story).

Rock Bottom?

I may have finally fallen into the depths of "rock bottom". My 90 day supply of sleeping pills keeps calling my name, keeps reminding me over and over that I am in a hole so deep I will never get out, there's no one for me at the top anyway, just stay, just sleep, it will all go away. Oh how I am drawn to his logic, it makes so much sense. This life provides me nothing but challenge, sadness and a sense of worthlessness I can seem to get past. My "friends" only hurt me, maybe they are slights that aren't intentional, they are imagined only in my mind. No matter they are real to me. I have a sad daughter, now a sad son and a very very angry ex that is making threats to take me back to court, rightfully so. I have not been paying him money for my son that lives with him. For 3 years I was steady eddie, paid the phone bill, all of the kids school costs, clothes and 600 on top of that to him. This past year I am drowning in debt. I can't even make my minimum payments and I am sinking lower and lower. I can't answer my phone, services are getting cut off and I am slowly turning into mush. Unable to cope, think, move one foot in front of the other. I am just waiting for it all to come crashing, swallowing me whole. Everyone would be so much better off, dead mom is worth more than a live one. And the live one was more depressed than anyone can handle. Let's get past me so they can get on with their lives.

Cleaning frenzy for the socially inept

My child was spending the week-end with a new beau (just one of a few) and I am home alone. Rather than an adventure that might make millions at the theaters, I have been cleaning like a fool.

Carpet cleaning, upstairs, downstairs even the stairs themselves. I almost went for the upholstery but I ran out of time. I have to work in the morning so I need to rest for a little while.

I tried to be social on Friday, went to a happy hour with some work folks. I am so out of touch with the real world. My people contact is limited to work and running through grocery aisles. I avoid eye contact and mumble my words to those that I have to talk to.

I am beginning to scare myself with the lonerness that I am imposing on myself. I used to embrace just me myself and I. I would relish my time alone and enjoy my peace and quiet.

Now I find myself afraid of social situations. Afraid that I will say what I really want to say to people that I don't really want to talk to in the first place. The older I get the less control I have of my tongue. If it's ugly and stinks I will say so, not thinking that it might hurt. Yet I am incredibly sensitive to others comments, I find slight where none is intended.

If I were to win the lottery (granted I would have to buy a ticket first) I would want to buy a deserted island and have a pilot fly in every so often to bring me supplies (and maybe a conversation, but only with the pilot).