Dear Diary

Today was an ok day. I haven't been sleeping well so I'm afraid I might be abusing my sleep, turn off brain, medicine. It is so nice to be in my bed, my mind empty. I don’t feel hurt, slighted, jilted, stupid, unwanted, bad motherish thoughts. I just lie there and stare at my ceiling, or sleep. I think I could do that forever.

My mind has been playing tricks on me for so long I can't trust it. Sometimes when I test my thoughts, ask a question and find out my instincts were right I wish I hadn't. Then I question if all of my negative (what I consider negative) thoughts really are true.

I want to have the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. I want my mind to be erased of all thoughts pertaining to a specific person. There are some great memories, very happy times and conversations. But are they worth the thoughts that keep cycling through my head now? Worth the continued hurt and rejection that I feel? I want to erase all of it now that I know so much of it isn't true. He would have to stretch the truth, conceal to conceal. When asked about past girlfriends, his future, his life, his dinner plans he had to lie to protect his lies.I believed so much, I believed all that I was told. I believed that twins separated at birth had found each other, that I was provided comfort, friendship, gifts, to a lonely man.

I still am excited to share things with him, music, books, stupid shirts. It still makes me happy to pack up a box and go to the post office. I set my self up for a little happiness when he opens and squeals with delight (could be a lie to protect my feelings).

Now that I know the truth, that wan't any loneliness on his part, there was comfort, friendship and gifts provided from a special someone in his life. How could I have been so stupid, how could I have missed something so special to someone who had become so special to me?

I am so tired of feeling tired, angry and sad yet, I continue to drag this on. I've known for almost a year now and I can't let go. I miss his voice when I don't hear it, I obsess over what he's doing, why hasn't he called, what screen name is in logged in under (that's another story).

When he talks about her (which is extremely rare) he sounds happy, he sounds like she makes him happy, she is smart, beautiful, he treasures the time he spends with her. He's excited about his gifts for her, their celebration, and the birthday trip. I can't think about them spending days together. I knew last year when they were leaving, when he called me, I felt physically sick, my heart hurt, I was paralyzed with such sadness, sadness that I don't think I have ever felt before. I remember sitting on my sofa when he called from their room to say they had just got there, she was in the gift shop. When he called from the store, that he had taken a quick walk to, in the cold, so he could get a treat. When he IM'ed me goodnight, knowing she was there and he was going to be crawling into bed next to her.

Altho I do have my "special" medication that turns off my mind now, it helps me to not answer the phone, to keep most of my words to myself. Sometimes I still need to put them out there, I need to read my thoughts so I don’t forget. Even thought forgetting is the one thing I so desperately want. But not as much as I want him to stay in my life.

Yikes, when is my mind going to shut this stuff off?!