I've got a new attitude?

A new year, a new beginning, a healthier life? I am going to think positive. I'm pretty sure I've said all of this before. What the heck, maybe if I say it often enough it will come true.

First I have to work on my obsessive thoughts. I was driving for hours yesterday, taking my kiddo back to his dad. 9 hours alone, with my thoughts. I realized that my new medication was not the answer I had hoped it to be, old thoughts were creeping back in and the anger came flooding back. Pissed me off that I couldn't push them back down, focus on the good things in my life, instead I was back in my old obsessive world.

I was angry about lies (withholding the truth some would label it), angry that I didn't get a present, at least a card. Angry that I still give and give and get less and less. Anger that turned into sadness, then it all turned back to the original "something is really wrong with ME", it's all me, I am worthless, a loser, fat, ugly, stupid.

Man it was a shitty day yesterday.

I came home a drugged myself out, turned off all my feelings and let my mind rest from negative thoughts.

I think that if only I got a card, some simple sign of a normal friendship, someone who wanted to make me smile, give me a moment of pleasure, I would be totally happy. I know it probably isn't that simple, but I guarantee it would have given me a moment of happiness, it would have made me smile. Not a cure for all of my ills but a temporary vacation from my negative thoughts.

Overall my Christmas was great. I had a fabulous time in MN seeing both my ex's family and my own. My ex was great, my kids were great, I was happy. I had both of them back here at my home for a week after Christmas and I loved having my kids with me.

Sarah started school last week, started a new job today and started playing her violin again (it's been years since she even would look at it). She is doing great, she is on a positive path and I believe she is going to be ok.

Spencer anger appears to be under control, he had his moments but they were only fleeting. He was able to pull himself out, he would say his piece, let us respond, listen to what we said and either tell us we were either stupid, wrong or we had a good point. Maturity is a good thing.

So... what do I do? When will I grow up and be able to think like a normal person? I don't think my expectations are too high, they aren't anything that I wouldn't be willing to do or am already doing. Ok, maybe that's my problem, I do too much, I think that giving will make others happy, they will like me knowing that I am thinking of them.

I don't know, this stuff drives me crazy. I am always setting myself up for disappointment. I should just be happy I can walk and talk at the same time.

Happy 2009!