Generally I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Usually a few days and I am ok. This time the clouds aren’t lifting, it just keeps getting darker. I'm obsessing on actions that have only been fleeting thoughts in the past. I know better, I know that anything permanent will cause hurt that I will never be able to repair. Then again, how much longer can I continue to live with such sadness, anger, disappointment? How much longer will my brain hold out without blowing to little bits by itself? How much longer will my heart continue to beat before it explodes from pain?

I feel ugly, stupid, worthless. I built a relationship around something that doesn't exist. Someone that was never there and never could be. I should have been careful, I should have trusted my instincts and not pursued something I knew in my heart to be crazy.

That crazy relationship helped me to maintain some normalcy in my life. My belief that it was real, kept me ok. I felt that I was needed, loved. Not out of obligation but because of who I was. I wasn't his mother, sister, child, I wasn't a part of his family. I was something else, I thought was important to him.

I have always been a little on the edge, clinging to sanity with all my might. Always looking for acceptance, approval, unable to see any good in myself. Trying to stay away from the dark side. Always wanting someone else to validate my existence. If someone else acknowledges it, it must be true, right? But if the one person that I believed, the one person that didn't have to love me, became a lie themselves, where am I now? What should I believe? Who should I believe?

In the past drugs, alcohol, sex, would come to my rescue. They would dilute my darkness, make life tolerable for a moment. Sometimes that's all I needed, a moment, one little piece of, what seemed like, happiness to me. I don’t have anything to numb my feelings. They sit here on my skin, behind my eyes, in my brain, raw and festering. I want to scratch them away, tear them out, I don't want to feel anymore. The hurt is too intense, uncontrollable, intolerable.

I am exhausted and I am sleeping. I sleep like I have never slept before. I can’t blame my darkness on insomnia, my mind is able to rest and I still wake up in my black hole. I know that my future is bleak because of my past. I can’t get a grip on my finances and I'm drowning. My debt is insurmountable and it's just a matter of time before I start losing the material things that gave me some semblance.

I don't blame anyone, this is all my doing. Ultimately I am responsible for my feelings and actions. My life is no ones fault but my own.