Cheating

I have created a door that opens into my mind. That open door allows others to know what is going on in my mind, without hearing my voice. I'm not sure that I like that. It's allowing someone to cheat, know what I'm thinking, in a shortcut way. There aren't any calls to see "what's up". My phone isn't ringing and my voice is given only to a few that I don't really want to give it to (with the exception of my kids).

Maybe the blog isn't such a good idea. I don't believe anyone else is reading, but the one that I want to ring me up. Or, maybe not. Maybe, I am the only one that reads these words, I think, I type, I read for me, myself and I.

Then again, it has been a really busy time (hello election) and a milestone birthday is coming up. Election will end and another year begins on Nov 4th. How cools is that, to have 2 things to celebrate all wrapped up in one day (as long as our candidate wins)? Oh yeah, you also have a girlfriend that has all of you, mind, body and spirit. You're just a busy guy with a few plates spinning.

Then again, it could be that I can't talk. The phone has become just another thing I have to do. I have to answer, I have to talk, I feel like I have to pretend to be happy.

Oh well...it's not as though my life is all that fascinating, or my opinions are worth the breath they take to voice, I am not a happy person.

Sarah left today for Minnesota. Her temp job was just that, temporary, a whole 3 weeks. Her last day was Friday, they called her when she got home from work to let her know she didn't need to come back. She burst into tears and said "I need to go home". Then I burst into tears.

I knew I couldn't drive her, 16 hours round trip and 1000 miles was more than I could do. Even with gas at 2.24 I still couldn't afford the trip. We checked flights (what the heck), then we checked the train. Booked the ticket and I watched her board the Empire Builder route this morning to her "home".

Tears are coming out of my eyes and running down my cheeks as I type this. I am afraid she won't come back. Which I will totally understand, I wouldn't come back either. My fear is being alone again. Life is just not good and there are times when I don't think clearly. I'm afraid that my thoughts will overtake me and I will do something that I won't be able to recover from. Maybe I have already done the unrecoverable, and she is saving herself.

Man, it sounds like I am somewhat self aware and if that's so, I should take steps to make sure I stay on an even keel (as even as I can) Do some preemptive strikes, get help while I am thinking clearly. Unfortunately that's not me. Instead I will take a hot bath, take my pills, wish I was somewhere (someone) else, go to sleep obsessing over the call that was too short, get up, go to work and start my groundhog day, week, all over again.

Maybe I'll make some brownies or cookies or pudding and add some ice cream, I already went shopping today.