Beginning Aug 2nd I will be off work for at least 4 weeks. I will have weeks and weeks of being alone with my thoughts. That generally means trouble, troubled thoughts. Sadness of where I am in life, what I’ve done to my kids and why do I continue with a friendship that has caused me to distrust my thoughts, and life in general. I'm afraid I will consumed with thoughts of him, what is he doing, where is he, why hasn't he called blah blah blah. It makes me tired, it frustrates me that I focus so tunnely (my word) on him and constantly nag, whine and complain. I'm tired of me.
I have been so busy at work that I haven’t had time to think my sad thoughts. It’s been good, I’ve been ok with life. Unfortunately I’ve been away from work for 2 days and sadness is seeping in. Distrust of others, questioning why I continue in a friendship that causes me sadness is all back again. I know that there is a love of his life in addition to play with others. The play is never confirmed or denied so all I have is my crazy thoughts that I don’t know if I can trust. I could be very intuitive or just plain crazy. I’ll never know because he makes it very clear it’s none of my business.
I always work my way through these times. Always coming to the same conclusion, that what I get in conversation from him is worth my negative thoughts. Sometime it takes longer to get back to our conversation comfort. He’s always there, always takes my calls, listens to me tell him I can’t do this any more, it causes too much sadness. I’ll hear sadness in his voice and I feel bad, I miss him even when I’m talking to him. He knows the reality of his life and all I know is what I’ve made up in my crazy thoughts.
I know the sweetness, caring and thoughtfulness that he shows me in his words, pictures, gifts. I am jealous that he isn't just for me. I only see a small part of him. I feel like the whole of him is generous, giving and caring, I wanted all of him. I thought that I was a main focus, sure he palyed with others but, who did he end his day with? It was me. I am sad that we went on for so long with me in a dreamworld in D-world.
I hate this, I hate the cycle that we have created. The rollercoaster of feelings that I ride all the time. I’m tired of not trusting, not believing, thinking he’s on a date for real or with someone on line. I feel like if I knew what the reality was/is I would learn to deal with it, to make an educated decision on if I should stay or go, based on reality. Instead all I have is my thoughts and silence when questions are asked.
At this point I have no expectations of a relationship. Honestly I don’t want a relationship, I like my aloneness, I like being with myself, I don’t want to share my space. As much comfort I’ve gotten from him, great conversations, time filled with words, I feel like I wasted so much energy concentrating on something that had no future, no reality, something based deceit. I focused on what I thought was a possible real relationship. I missed opportunities to foster friendships, make new ones, to focus on what was real for me. I lived in a fantasy world for years, a fantasy of a fake boyfriend, that he was someone who really cared for me and would eventually be for real.
I am too old for this stuff. I should know better. I shouldn’t keep believing what I can’t trust, me.
1 comment:
((Hugs)) It sounds like your already beginning to see things are they truly are. You deserve to have someone who sees you for you and thinks, acts, believes that is more than enough for him. I don't know the entire story only what you have written. One way streets always end up in a dead end, going no-where.
Perhaps if you write here during your month off work you can sort through whatever is going on in your head, as well as having the support of friends to listen. (Hugs)Indigo
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