I would have been married 23 years today (yesterday now). Joe and I were married in a beautiful historic court building in downtown St Paul July 13th, 1985. We totally lucked out getting in to the Landmark Center on such short notice. I thought that was a sign it was supposed to happen. I planned the wedding in about 2 weeks on a thousand dollar budget. We picked the 13th because that was the day our marriage license was going to expire. It was now or never.
It wasn't all bad, but I think we would have been better friends. He is definitely a product of Boomer parents. Traditional pops and stay at home mom. His pop was fairly successful at what he did, he was the drinking, smoking man of the 50's and 60's. He was just like one of the Mad Men (TV series) only his business was food not marketing. Joe believed that he would have the same kind of family as what he grew up in, just a little more functional.
My parents were Boomer as well, they wanted to be traditional but my pops was a failure at supporting his family and my mom was a fruitcake. God rest both their souls. In the time I spent with them, my dad never had a traditional job, they never owned a house, never had a retirement, a savings account. None of the kids went to college, not even a trade school. We all flopped around like fishes out of water, waiting for a hand to come and flip us back in. No direction was given and all of us lived (still do) thinking that there are others worse than us, we can't be that bad, no point in changing.
Joe is a nice man, he just doesn't have any patience and suffers from low self esteem. We were a perfect pair, exactly alike. My biggest problem was that for some crazy reason I thought I was better than he was. I should have held out for a airline pilot or a lawyer at least someone with a degree. I was mean and nasty and spent our money like it grew on trees. We fought like cats and dogs, it hurt emotionally and physically for both of us.
We did blend very well together on some things. Our houses were always very cool, our yards were fabulous, our tastes in furniture and landscaping were identical. We would scope out and spend hours in furniture stores, garden stores and open houses. I loved going to the hardware/lumber stores with him, we would wander up and down all the aisles, discovering new tools, smelling fresh cut wood, dreaming of new kitchens and baths. We loved driving around just when it was starting to get dark, so we could look in others peoples houses to see how they decorated, the colors they used. I know that sounds a little weird, we loved it. We loved driving around together. We were road trippin fools and would take off on a moments notice to small town, MN. Visiting the antique stores, eating at the local diner and driving home at night. Our kids easy got into that groove with us and would look forward to our day away.
We also had incredible sex. We were experimental, spontaneous, we weren't scared of anything as long as it felt good. I'll leave it at that, but man... it was great.
I think he would have been happy to continue in the relationship forever. We ended in our 19th year, making it official the 20th year. I thought I was dieing that I was missing out on something so much better so much bigger. I had to leave, I had to escape or I would miss my chance at greatness. OMG! I was having a mid life crisis. Joe being the guy he is basically said, "honey if you need to go, then go. You can always come back" (he has since changed his mind on the 'coming back' part) . I ran like hell.
Looking back, leaving them was a god awful mistake, one that I think about every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't have the heavy hand of regret hanging over me. I left two beautiful children (they were asked to come with me, they respectfully declined and stayed with their dad), one who is flopping like a fish and the other determined and angry. As much as complain about my parents I suck even worse at parenting than they did. I do talk to the kiddies every day, which is a blessing. I am lucky to have kept close relationships with both. Sometimes I think if we were in the same house we wouldn't be as close as we are now.
Maybe if I had been successful in my relationships following the split with Joe, or if my career had taken off I would be happier. Maybe if I hadn't broke off all ties with my family and friends I would be happier. Maybe if I were more of a social butterfly, prettier and blond I would be happier. Maybe if I moved to Paris I would be happy. Maybe maybe maybe…
Hey, it's Sunday. It's my day of list making and reflection. I know, how is that different from any other day? The other days I obsess, Sunday I reflect. If you believe that, I have a bridge in my back yard I'm looking to sell. Oh… there's also a little work thrown in every so often along with my reflecting and lists.
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