changing names

I spent the last 20 minutes typing. Typing words thoughts, most of them positive. I hit the back space key and POOF! Gone! All of my words have disappeared. I am pissed. I still have to get this stuff out so I am going to start all over again. It will be different but the messages will be the same.

Friday is over, it wasn't when I started my first entry. It came and went uneventfully (not sure if that's a word). The day started out hot and sunny. I worked in my yard, set up my hammock. I was prepared to bask in the sun and listen to music the rest of the afternoon when the sky started to darken and the wind blowin. A storm was brewin and I was stuck inside. I tried to stay away from this (journal) and keep my thoughts to myself.

I changed the name of the journal again. I am trying to find something that fits, not that anyone pays attention to these words. I need to find something that fits me. Ok, good luck, it will change a million more times.

I want to get a puppy for Bear and I want my daughter to move in with me. Both Bear and I need some positive energy. I know I should be careful what I ask for. A few months from now I will be crying that I need my quiet again. I need my aloneness. Hopefully it will only be during certain times of the month.

This is normally the best part of the month for me. It is in between pre and post period. My mood tends to level out and I feel optimistic, open and happy. This month is different. I miss my conversations with someone I am used to having regular conversations with. I think I have accepted that it's best for us to break the bond we've created over the years.

He has another life he needs to concentrate on. I have been a distraction. A big distraction. He's been a distraction for me as well. I was distracted from real life. I built a cocoon around me, I felt safe warm and loved in a crazy way. I need to peek my head into the real world again. I think it's time for both of us to move on. I was thinking about him and I think he must have sensed it because my phone rang. It was good to hear his voice, but I need to be careful. I think we are both tiptoeing a little, the comfort is not what it was. Today I want to take steps back and go tosleep with his voice, I want to crawl into my cocoon and feel safe again.