The longer my daughter is here with me the more I feel like my older sister. She is 14 years older than I am, she has been on her own (kinda) for a million years. She has terminal cancer and is going through her second round of chemo.
I am like her in how I look, my thoughts, my actions, my sound, my life. I am alone, can't imagine ever finding anyone that I want to have a long term relationship with (well... I thought I did, unfortunately he was already taken). I'm thinking there will never be another body in my bed again that isn't covered in fur and wags his tail when he's happy (or hungry, playful, bored, sleepy etc...).
For the most part I'm ok with that. I'm ok with myself. Then I think about getting older, being alone, turning into a total hermit. Is that really ok? Is there something terribly wrong with me that there isn't someone that wants to spend time with me? Am I making excuses for my aloneness because I don't want to face the facts?
My sister lived with me for a short time after her first round of chemo. She reminded me of my mom (what I remember of my mom). She seemed defeated in so many ways. Depressed, tired, unmotivated, just wanted the whole thing (life) over. Yikes. Then her son decided to get married and have a baby, she bounced back. She was excited about life again.
My mom was the same way when she was ill. After her first diagnosis of congestive heart failure she was defeated, tired and wanted the whole thing over. Then babies started coming, 3 in a row, one was mine. She bounced back. It didn't last very long but the bounce was great for the time it lasted.
Ok, so where does this make me seem like my sister? I don't know, my wrinkled skin, my teeth that are deciding they need major work, my body drying up of any type of desire. Oh and my facial expressions!
OMG! The looks I get on my face, I can feel my eyes squinting, my lips pursing, and my head shaking in disappointment or disbelief (depending on the issue). I know my lips are moving but I hear my sisters voice and her words. Suddenly I am obsessed with the world and watching MSNBC, CNN, Week in Washington the NEWS for Gods sake! Since when did I start caring about the world (ok the USA more so then the whole world)?
I wish she would come stay with me again. I think I would appreciate her more. Her thoughts (which I thought were a little wacky), her words. I would stop being so judgemental and respect her life experience, her knowledge, she is a smart cookie.
I should send her a note.
2 comments:
Cherish your sister always. I lost my sister last october to COPD. I knew she was sick but was not ready for her passing. I was with her when she took her last gasp of air. We lived together for 7 years before her passing. Because we grew up in different households, I didnt really know her very well until the lasy few years. I miss her dearly but cherish every moment I had with her. I am all alone now. I dont have any friends. I dont think I could ever find a friendship that could ever compare to hers.
There isnt anything wrong with you.You are a wonderful person. I am the same way. I have made myself pretty much a hermit. I dont get out much. Thre isnt anything wrong with having teh furry companion. I have thre here with me. They make great friends.
Keep in touch ((HUGS))
Blessings,
Christine
Maybe you could send her a note.
And, as for spending some of your life alone? Hey, it's perfectly okay to be single. Sometimes, it's the better option in our life.
Memories. Try to embrace the "bounce" part, and joy. I know it's difficult at times.
Post a Comment