go figure

I guess my anger gets the best of me sometimes. I'm pretty good at having a mix of anger and sadness, I cry and growl at the same time. I don't know why I'm so fixated on honesty. Maybe it's because I've been so dishonest in my life. I know how it tears you up to carry lies and how they tend to snowball. They get so big you can't see past them. I have made some fairly drastic changes in my life because of lies that I kept going for years. I was really hoping my last change would be my last. There are some things I just can't seem to get past.

I was reading that depression peaks in your 40's. Duh, I could have told you that. However, I have also read that you blossom in your 40's. That, as a woman you begin to recognize your strengths, passionate in your beliefs, confident in who you are. That belief was probably the thing that sent me into my deepest depression. I wasn't even close to feeling any of those things, something had to be terribly wrong with me. So I broke, shattered, fell flat on my face. Left all that I loved behind in a trail of smoke. I was in such a hurry to get away from myself, I lost sight of any real future I had with my family.

I look back now and I wish someone had slapped me upside the head. Instead everyone just kind of shook their head in disbelief and walked away.

wow, forgot this existed

I didn't remember that this existed. My thoughts haven't changed much over the past 3 years. Maybe a little lonelier, not so optimistic. Miss my children desperately, but still know I can't go back. I met many people on the net over the years. Made some very close connections, east coast, west coast, mid America. All I have been chatting with for almost 3 years. Met a few in person, funny those didn't stay. I obsess obsessively over relationships and hate the Internet support of dishonesty. You'd (well.. I did) think that in this medium people would feel freer to be who they really are, not hide behind lies and false pretences. When I joined this club I threw myself out there to be had. Everyone was made aware of my wants needs and who I really was. I believed what I was told, I trusted those who interested me. I am amazed at the shit that people don't think twice about saying, backing up lies till they almost become truth, continuing a lie for months, years! It kills me and makes me very fucking angry.

ok day

Another interesting day.  few sobs here and there. Met this guy on Match last Thursday exchanged some emails and then starting talking on the phone, hours at a time. Seemed like a connection and having not been in this dating  (or whatever the hell its called) scene, I don't know what to expect. We had a few really great long conversations, I though we were brutally honest in what are wants and needs are. Decided if nothing else, we had the potental for great friends. Ok, now I haven't heard from him in a day. As I write and read this I realize that I have turned back into a 13 yedar old girl. OH MY GOD, I am a 45 year old woman I think I can take a step back and not obsess on the fact it's been a day since I heard from him.

God, even I scare myself. Back off!!!

Much Better Today

Oh my God! Much better today. Man I hate days like yesterday, thankfully that don't happen often. Work went well, some old friends from MN are here this week. it's good to see them and hear that good old Mn accent.

Holy Smokes!

Man, today is a tough one. I am so sad. Joe keeps calling and I can't talk, I feel so stupid. I made this decsion and the move, why is today so hard? I miss my kids but I can't make the drive home. I want to be back home and have everything back the way it was, as unhappy as I was at least I wasn't alone.

I have always made it out that I need my space, I like my solitude. Who the fuck am I kidding? I need to have something, I just wish I knew what the "something" is.

I haven't cried this much since I can't even remember. I am looking for reasons for this depression. Is it the change of medication, am I close to my period (no), am I feeling a little rejected, old and ugly?

My skin is changing, my body is drooping, I am fat and it is a very bad hair day. God it is just bad all over. Man, this crying is driving me crazy. My moods have always been so even keeled and this is just way out of my control.

Ok, I just had a revelation! Today I wore mascara for the first time in over 20 years, it has to be a chemical reaction to the mascara that is causing my depression. I wish! Just a joke. I suppose I should be relieved that it seems funny to me.

Saturday night home alone again

Yes another Saturday night at home by myself, Not that it wasn't a productive day, Just didn't get accomplished what I started out to do. I wanted to take Bear for a drive and go tanning, pretty simple stuff. Instead I logged into a chat room and was inundated by IM's. Met this guy whos name is Paul we chatted for almost 4 hours. We created this great question and answer chat that lead us off in may different directions. It also introduced ourselves to levels of each other that normally would haven't been expressed in this new of a conversaton. It was almost like finding this perfect mate that fits all of your curves, orifices and crazy little sparks that work their way up every so often. But then reality sets in and you know neither of you have a clue what the other looks like. If we were to base a realatonship on what we learned this afternoon, I would be in heaven, Ain't gonna happen, But that's ok, As long as I can have those short time in space where i feel such a strong connection with someone I can live with that. It still makes me feel special.

I have been testing the waters with Match.Com. I found that when I had big and beautiful used as body type no one responded, suddenly my body became curvey and I got 5 winks almost instantly. Most seem that they have great potential. I have talked with 2, met with 1 and became biblical with him. Probably a little quick but what the heck. The second is a little out of my boyfriend comfort zone, but what the heck, I'll give it a shot, I do think that we could be great friends.

Personally I am looking for contentment and healthy lives for my children. My role in creating contentment for my children is staying mentally healthy and happy, Which I couldn't do with their Dad. It was a desructive relationship in how we raised the kids. He was the goal setter, the go getter, you better not fail, and the punisher, I was the what's the big deal, they aren't doing drugs, having sex or beating up on people, we're lucky, get off their back. Gee a little misguided don't ya think? SO in the interest of the children the more dysfunctional parent left (me). So far so good.