go figure

I guess my anger gets the best of me sometimes. I'm pretty good at having a mix of anger and sadness, I cry and growl at the same time. I don't know why I'm so fixated on honesty. Maybe it's because I've been so dishonest in my life. I know how it tears you up to carry lies and how they tend to snowball. They get so big you can't see past them. I have made some fairly drastic changes in my life because of lies that I kept going for years. I was really hoping my last change would be my last. There are some things I just can't seem to get past.

I was reading that depression peaks in your 40's. Duh, I could have told you that. However, I have also read that you blossom in your 40's. That, as a woman you begin to recognize your strengths, passionate in your beliefs, confident in who you are. That belief was probably the thing that sent me into my deepest depression. I wasn't even close to feeling any of those things, something had to be terribly wrong with me. So I broke, shattered, fell flat on my face. Left all that I loved behind in a trail of smoke. I was in such a hurry to get away from myself, I lost sight of any real future I had with my family.

I look back now and I wish someone had slapped me upside the head. Instead everyone just kind of shook their head in disbelief and walked away.