who woulda thunk...

Here's the thing with music and me, when I hear something I like, I wear the album out. I listen over and over and over. If I fall asleep during a skip, a groove is worn. Ok, the album reference is a little outdated, but for those of us who experienced adolescence when albums were listened to, you understand.

Now, back to my subject. I am in pre surgery thinking mode. Never having surgery before I'm sure I'm in denial regarding my recovery. Whoever thinks denial is a bad thing is just plain stupid. I love denial, it's how I survive. I have only been in hospitals to have babies, and recovery was short and sweet.

Funny all of my stays in hospitals surround my uterus.

I am having the baby cocoon removed Monday morning. For some crazy reason I have become sad about the prospect of never having another baby, God only knows why, I am almost 50. Last night I started thinking about the "what ifs". What if I met a man and we wanted to see what our mixed DNA would produce? If he was a man that I loved he would have to be spectacular, our kiddo would be nothing short of the most fabulous being ever born (yeah no ego problem here).

I have beautiful children, and spectacularly good ones. They sleep through the night from birth, listened to their momma, are funny and smarter than the average bear.. My girlfriend told me that God would give us only what we could handle. If that's the truth he apparently thinks I'm fairly fragile when it comes to child rearing. My kids were so damn easy.

I tend to forget the negative part of my mothering skills. The little part that I left them with their pops and moved a few states away because I was (still am) a bit of a fruitcake. They still love me, and have become a bigger priority to me now that I'm not with them. They are in my mind 24 hours a day. I talk to them daily, miss them desperately. I can't go back tho, I just can't.

Back to my thinking I am going to miss my baby making ability. I loved being pregnant. I loved the whole idea of the little aliens growing inside me. Watching my belly provided me with such pleasure and entertainment. The pokes and whole body rolls were miracles that I was responsible for.

I could have another baby, would love to have another baby with someone that I loved. I am ready now, I wasn't ready when I had my kids. I feel guilty for thinking such thoughts and very sad.

Emotional overload

I am angry, angry at myself for being me. I am impatient, unforgiving and expect far too much from friends and family. I am also weak, lazy and complacent.

I hate the following:

weeds (unless they're pretty)

dirt (altho it feels so good when you wash it off)

anger

humidity

liars

hair (on my body)

credit cards

water (that my dog slobbers on the floor and I step in)

sadness

thoughtlessness

I love the following:

my children

Bear

storms

snow

sun

stars

moon

fireflys

Hershey candy bars (w/almonds)

COFFEE

sleep

clean sheets

old movies

music

mindless staring

respect

 

 

Calm Before the storm?

Maybe I've just never had friends (men) that were like him before. Maybe it is just a friendship and nothing else. Maybe there are a lot of men friends that sing you songs, make you feel happy when you're sad, make you feel like you are the smartest person in the world, make you feel special and cared for. Maybe that's what friendship is all about. All these years I confused friend with love. If friendship is this great, man, love must be fantabulous.

Sometimes when I'm tired and he calls me, I snuggle down in my bed pretending he is across from me, I can hear his heartbeat, his breathing, I can smell the sweetness of his breath the manly scent that only men have, His rough skin hands slipping under the sheet to find my hands and hold them.

Dreams only dreams..

A natural miracle

That thing in the corner of the post and rail of my deck is a living thing. I noticed one of these things crawling on my siding last night. Then again today, when I was sitting on my patio, it was clinging to bushes that I recently trimmed. I noticed there were several, camouflaged in a coat of needles, in the branches.

These past few days I have been amazed with (and grossed out) with mother nature. The hidden life within our world is amazing. If you look close enough at anything I believe you will see something that breathes and moves and generally has multiple legs.

From tomato to sky

The tomato alien turns into a moth. I would have preferred a pretty butterfly. Honestly with the size of those things they could have become birds, pterodactyls, something that Fred and Wilma could have taken a trip on.

My friend came and lovingly picked them from a plant (bare hands!!!), put them in a box and carted them off to release in the wild. My only fear is they will find their way back, like a dog or cat. And, they will be angry, I can see them clinging to my back screen screaming at me. Producing off spring, climbing up my drains and spreading out, marching towards me, with all their little hands waving in the air. That's the Rod Serling in me, I'm sure it will only be a dream and I'll wake up screaming.

I'm afraid to eat the tomatoes. Where do they lay their eggs? I feel like something is moving in my ear. An itch too deep to scratch...

He called my bluff

Yep, he called my bluff. I think he knows me too well... he knew I would shrink, think and then say uh... not today... maybe next week.

Yikes...

I'll come around, I know it would be good for me to see his face, watch his lips move while listening to his words. I want to see his hands, his blueberry eyes, I want to hear him laugh in person.

I will cry and hopefully get over this crazy crush I have.

Thinking thoughts

Beginning Aug 2nd I will be off work for at least 4 weeks. I will have weeks and weeks of being alone with my thoughts. That generally means trouble, troubled thoughts. Sadness of where I am in life, what I’ve done to my kids and why do I continue with a friendship that has caused me to distrust my thoughts, and life in general. I'm afraid I will consumed with thoughts of him, what is he doing, where is he, why hasn't he called blah blah blah. It makes me tired, it frustrates me that I focus so tunnely (my word) on him and constantly nag, whine and complain. I'm tired of me.

I have been so busy at work that I haven’t had time to think my sad thoughts. It’s been good, I’ve been ok with life. Unfortunately I’ve been away from work for 2 days and sadness is seeping in. Distrust of others, questioning why I continue in a friendship that causes me sadness is all back again. I know that there is a love of his life in addition to play with others. The play is never confirmed or denied so all I have is my crazy thoughts that I don’t know if I can trust. I could be very intuitive or just plain crazy. I’ll never know because he makes it very clear it’s none of my business.

I always work my way through these times. Always coming to the same conclusion, that what I get in conversation from him is worth my negative thoughts. Sometime it takes longer to get back to our conversation comfort. He’s always there, always takes my calls, listens to me tell him I can’t do this any more, it causes too much sadness. I’ll hear sadness in his voice and I feel bad, I miss him even when I’m talking to him. He knows the reality of his life and all I know is what I’ve made up in my crazy thoughts.

I know the sweetness, caring and thoughtfulness that he shows me in his words, pictures, gifts. I am jealous that he isn't just for me. I only see a small part of him. I feel like the whole of him is generous, giving and caring, I wanted all of him. I thought that I was a main focus, sure he palyed with others but, who did he end his day with? It was me. I am sad that we went on for so long with me in a dreamworld in D-world.

I hate this, I hate the cycle that we have created. The rollercoaster of feelings that I ride all the time. I’m tired of not trusting, not believing, thinking he’s on a date for real or with someone on line. I feel like if I knew what the reality was/is I would learn to deal with it, to make an educated decision on if I should stay or go, based on reality. Instead all I have is my thoughts and silence when questions are asked.

At this point I have no expectations of a relationship. Honestly I don’t want a relationship, I like my aloneness, I like being with myself, I don’t want to share my space. As much comfort I’ve gotten from him, great conversations, time filled with words, I feel like I wasted so much energy concentrating on something that had no future, no reality, something based deceit. I focused on what I thought was a possible real relationship. I missed opportunities to foster friendships, make new ones, to focus on what was real for me. I lived in a fantasy world for years, a fantasy of a fake boyfriend, that he was someone who really cared for me and would eventually be for real.

 

I am too old for this stuff. I should know better. I shouldn’t keep believing what I can’t trust, me.

Innocent pup

Sorry mutt. You are innocent of luring the bunnies to fulfill your personal need for attention.

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ALIENS!!!!!

OMG!! I owe a big apology to sweet bunnies everywhere. They are not criminals, they don't steal what doesn't belong to them, they are sweet furry little honeys. HOWEVER, these aliens, caterpillars, tomato bugs, worms whatever the hell they are are GUILTY and GROSS!! They are eating my plants up and they scare the shit out of me.

I pulled my plants back last night thinking the bunnies would be afraid to come further onto the patio. I still thought they were the culprits. I was watering today and noticed droppings again by the plants. I thought wow, brave bunnies, but then I looked closer... OMG I screamed jumped back, then quickly scanned the neighborhood to see if anyone witnessed my fright. Thank goodness no one was around. I died, I honest to god did not know what to do, I panicked. So I took pictures, called my friend who is coming over to remove and took a shower.

YIKES!!!!

Damn Bunnies!

Note the empty branches, leafs chewed, tomatoes stolen. Droppings of the eaten veggies left at the scene. No bugs, no neighbors, it's bunnies, cute big eared bunnies! The dog does nothing to stop them, I believe he's encouraging them. "Look bunnies, salad!", he says to lure them to his patio. He's lonely, he wants attention and the bunnies give him what he needs. Bastard bunnies and traitor dog.

Marbles rematch

My chair

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still trying to make sense

 

I am pensive and pondering this evening. Trying to figure out, once again, why does he want to talk to me? I must be a duplicate conversation, he has already shared his day, why share it again? She knows all the sweet things I thought were just ours. I know I know there was never an "our", or "us" or anything between us really.

I was ok today. I realized about 11pm tonight I hadn't really talked to anyone but my dog today and I was ok with that. I'm ok not having conversation. Why would anyone want to have 2 conversations in a day? Why would you want to talk to another to, maybe, only say the same things you have already said to some one else?

Man oh man... he is my best friend and I have no clue who he really is.

Sarah told me about this band, Bon Iver, who I'm listening to. Nice stuff nice to listen to while you are feeling pensive and pondering.

My Dog Bear

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Happy Ending

How sweet would it be for someone to call you their "happy ending"? To be so optimistic that you would provide eternal happiness. Maybe it's more confidence than optimism. Confidence of knowing who you are, who they are. The comfort level has already been built, trust, love and comfort are all ready to go.

I think that would be the greatest compliment to be recognized as a "happy ending". No sarcasm, in all seriousness. I hope I end up as a HE to someone, someday.

nothing in particular

I'm not feeling much like a muse anymore. I don't think I inspire much creativity to those that I want to. I'm feeling kinda blah. I didn't sleep last night, it was hotter than heck today and I basically just tried to get through the day. I feel guilty that all these hours were wasted.

I guess that's where the muse part comes in. Even when I wasn't productive it was nice to think I inspired others to create. Personally, I think he was just being nice and that was his way of making me feel special. He didn't need me to inspire, he was pretty good at doing that himself.

I've been forgetting things lately. Forgetting to finish work I started, make calls that I promised, take medicine, drink coffee, eat, pay bills, finish sentences and thoughts. I'm not confident that I am competent any more.

Then again, I could probably look at something that I wrote a few years ago and find that I am repeating concerns that I had then. I think I live in a Groundhog Day world. I constantly repeat my days, thoughts, mistakes, over and over again. Unfortunately I don't recognize it and instead of learning like Bill did I just keep doing it over and over, thinking it's the first time I've experienced it.

My kiddo called me today and asked if I wanted to meet his dad half way (middle of WI) to pick him up on Saturday. I was in the middle of completing a report for work, was pissed that I was doing it and the tone it was asked for. He request caught me off guard and my response was "this Saturday?". He is such a sensitive fellow and he caught the distance in my voice as well as the surprise. He never wants to come to my house. Immediately he said "never mind, I didn't want to come anyway". Man oh man that kid drives me nuts. I tried to backup a bit and say I was more than happy to make the trek I'd love for him to come stay with me. He had already disconnected himself and said he had to go.

I gotta call him.

on this day 23 years ago...

wow, 23 years ago

I would have been married 23 years today (yesterday now). Joe and I were married in a beautiful historic court building in downtown St Paul July 13th, 1985. We totally lucked out getting in to the Landmark Center on such short notice. I thought that was a sign it was supposed to happen. I planned the wedding in about 2 weeks on a thousand dollar budget. We picked the 13th  because that was the day our marriage license was going to expire. It was now or never.

It wasn't all bad, but I think we would have been better friends. He is definitely a product of Boomer parents. Traditional pops and stay at home mom. His pop was fairly successful at what he did, he was the drinking, smoking man of the 50's and 60's. He was just like one of the Mad Men (TV series) only his business was food not marketing. Joe believed that he would have the same kind of family as what he grew up in, just a little more functional.

My parents were Boomer as well, they wanted to be traditional but my pops was a failure at supporting his family and my mom was a fruitcake. God rest both their souls. In the time I spent with them, my dad never had a traditional job, they never owned a house, never had a retirement, a savings account. None of the kids went to college, not even a trade school. We all flopped around like fishes out of water, waiting for a hand to come and flip us back in. No direction was given and all of us lived (still do) thinking that there are others worse than us, we can't be that bad, no point in changing.

Joe is a nice man, he just doesn't have any patience and suffers from low self esteem. We were a perfect pair, exactly alike. My biggest problem was that for some crazy reason I thought I was better than he was. I should have held out for a airline pilot or a lawyer at least someone with a degree. I was mean and nasty and spent our money like it grew on trees. We fought like cats and dogs, it hurt emotionally and physically for both of us.

We did blend very well together on some things. Our houses were always very cool, our yards were fabulous, our tastes in furniture and landscaping were identical. We would scope out and spend hours in furniture stores, garden stores and open houses. I loved going to the hardware/lumber stores with him, we would wander up and down all the aisles, discovering new tools, smelling fresh cut wood, dreaming of new kitchens and baths. We loved driving around just when it was starting to get dark, so we could look in others peoples houses to see how they decorated, the colors they used. I know that sounds a little weird, we loved it. We loved driving around together. We were road trippin fools and would take off on a moments notice to small town, MN. Visiting the antique stores, eating at the local diner and driving home at night. Our kids easy got into that groove with us and would look forward to our day away.

We also had incredible sex. We were experimental, spontaneous, we weren't scared of anything as long as it felt good. I'll leave it at that, but man... it was great.

I think he would have been happy to continue in the relationship forever. We ended in our 19th year, making it official the 20th year. I thought I was dieing that I was missing out on something so much better so much bigger. I had to leave, I had to escape or I would miss my chance at greatness. OMG! I was having a mid life crisis. Joe being the guy he is basically said, "honey if you need to go, then go. You can always come back" (he has since changed his mind on the 'coming back' part) . I ran like hell.

Looking back, leaving them was a god awful mistake, one that I think about every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't have the heavy hand of regret hanging over me. I left two beautiful children (they were asked to come with me, they respectfully declined and stayed with their dad), one who is flopping like a fish and the other determined and angry. As much as complain about my parents I suck even worse at parenting than they did. I do talk to the kiddies every day, which is a blessing. I am lucky to have kept close relationships with both. Sometimes I think if we were in the same house we wouldn't be as close as we are now.

Maybe if I had been successful in my relationships following the split with Joe, or if my career had taken off I would be happier. Maybe if I hadn't broke off all ties with my family and friends I would be happier. Maybe if I were more of a social butterfly, prettier and blond I would be happier. Maybe if I moved to Paris I would be happy. Maybe maybe maybe…

Hey, it's Sunday. It's my day of list making and reflection. I know, how is that different from any other day? The other days I obsess, Sunday I reflect. If you believe that, I have a bridge in my back yard I'm looking to sell. Oh… there's also a little work thrown in every so often along with my reflecting and lists.

Full of excuses

Man... I am full of excuses. Excuses for being unhappy. I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and quit making excuses.

Yeah life sucks, you are what your family created. I think if you realize that you should be able to get past it.

I'm waiting to get past it.

I'm going to make a sandwich while I'm waiting.

mmm... iced coffee

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mom

I think my mother was a poor soul. She was a woman who had 7 kids and never seemed happy. I was the last of the brood and she was tired when I came. She slept through most of my adolescence. I remember her dark bedroom and trying really hard not to bother or wake her. The parents I knew were very different than the ones my brothers and sisters grew up with.

My dad was always gone. I didn't really start seeing him on a regular basis until I was 13 or 14. Prior to that he was traveling, trying to peddle his wares. Everything from freezers to coffee. My mom said he was great at selling, so great they would promote him to management and he would fail miserably. I never experienced my dads success. I lived through the days of no food in the cupboard, threats of losing utilities and where's the rent. I remember my mom struggling all the time, alone. She slept to escape real life.

When she wasn't sleeping she was angry. She was overwhelmed with life and struggled to keep afloat. She appeared to love my dad, I think I know that more now than I did when they were alive. I can read the love in their letters they they faithfully sent to each other while my dad was gone. My mother kept those letters and I have them now. I have a lot of their words.

They were very protective of each other. They didn't want to stress or hurt each others feelings. Not in their written words, they were always positive and upbeat except for the times when my dad accused my mom of being too close to a male friend or my mom would suggest is was time for them to separate. They never did and I'm not sure about my mom and her "friend". I wonder of my dads concerns of my mothers faithfulness had something to do with his possible wandering on the road. Neither do I know for sure, I'm just wondering.

She would yell when he was at home, she could be very cruel. My dad would leave, he would leave to work he said. And he would stay away for as long as he could, and she would sleep until he came back.

I was so lost, I was so alone in  that damn family. I find myself doing things my mother did. The anger, the escapes, I used drugs, alcohol and sex when I was younger. I have no patience, no time no energy for my family. The difference between my mom and me is I left. I left my family before I could do the damage to them that she did to me.

Now I am alone, and I try to sleep to not have to deal with my life. My hell is I can't sleep without the help of little white pills. They help me to shut down my brain. I am totally fucked up financially wise. I grew up with nothing, nothing but the stress of parents who couldn't pay the bills. 

My kids were never going to know that stress and I would never deny myself what I wanted, when I wanted it. And I didn't, right up to this point. That's something I'm not ready to come to terms with. I just want to sleep, if I'm lucky one day I won't wake up. I think that's what my mom wished for many times.

Some days I look in the mirror and I see her. I see her staring back at me wondering what the hell I have done with my life. How could I have allowed myself to get in this position? How could I have ever left my children? She would have never done that, she never did. Not physically, but mentally she was never there. Isn't that the same thing?

 

Bear Rug

 

 

 

 

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