Sitting at work on Sunday always makes me think. I think way too much. I think about the work I should be doing, the work I need to start thinking about and the work I need to delegate.
I have come to realize I am full of words, full of emotions, full of stuff or as George Carlin would say, crap, full of crap. Mostly I am full of anger. I really am beginning to hate people. I hate deception, lying, I hate people who use others and don't think anything about the consequences, the hurt they cause. Ok, so much about friends. Let's get on to the real subject, me and my thoughts.
I think alot about my life. I think about the people in my life, who should stay, who should go, who enriches me, who sucks me dry, who makes me happy, who makes me sad. I think about changes that I need to make, changes that I have made. What's worked, what hasn't. I wish I could say my good choices outweigh the bad, unfortunately that couldn't be farther from the truth. I think about my kids, generally that topic makes me cry. I hate crying, so I quickly move on to another subject. Most of my thinking makes me cry, just about everything can bring tears to my eyes. I cry when I'm happy. I cry when I'm laughing. I have even been known to cry before, during and after sex. I cry just thinking about my crying.
I have decided that I am very selfish, it's all about me, everything. I think in terms of "how will it (whatever it is) affect me?". What is the impact to my life, what is my role and what are my responsibilities? Me me me, if you are going to have me as a friend you better know this. If you aren't able to make me happy I will pretend you no longer exist. However, I will obsess over why you didn't make me a priority in your life.
Even tho I make everything about me, if it isn't working, it's also entirely my fault. I wasn't good enough for you to make me a priority. There is something wrong with me. My expectations are unreasonable, my wants and needs are impossible to fulfill. I am not worthy of being a friend. I'm too scary, possessive, demanding. I am constantly looking for validation, reassurance that I am ok. I need to hear I am funny, witty, smart, (forget pretty, I've lived without that most of my life). I want to hear that I am desirable, but it has to be based on my personality. I want you to want me, seriously. I want to be your Steven Hawking. No, I'm not a genius or debilitated by ALS, just a little on the old and chunky side. So, maybe the Steven Hawking example is a little exaggerated. We'll go with Aunt Bea instead. I want to be your Aunt Bea.
However, If you pay too much attention to me, shower me with validation and compliments I will run for the hills. You would appear needy to me, plus there would have to be something significantly wrong with you if you really wanted to be friends with me. I am a walking contradiction. I want friends but, I hate people. I want to be alone, yet that scares the shit out of me. I value and embrace my aloneness. I am the quintessential loner. I have my best conversations with myself, I ask incredibly intelligent questions of myself and generally am pretty pleased with the answers. I challenge myself to think and most of the time make myself cry.
I think it all boils down to being listened to. I want (and need) someone to listen to me, pay attention and be genuinely interested. To ask me questions (but, not too many) and listen to my answers. I want help, advice, I want someone to give me their opinion. I want honesty, someone that will be brutally honest with me, tell me when I'm crazy, tell me what I just said makes no sense whatsoever. Someone who will take a step back from me tell me to take a breath. Help me keep perspective, remind me of what's real and what isn't. Some one that will touch my shoulder and say "what the hell did you just say, that's stupid" and mean it.
Seriously, I am so afraid of failing that I never risk anything. I am too lazy to extend myself and my mind. And, I am fearful of being a disappointment. I feel like I should always be tap dancing and smiling. Then I get tired and angry that I can't be who I really am. I live in constant fear of disappointing people so I act out. I am deliberate in my actions, I am in control, no one is going to leave me because I am going to leave them first! I get mean, nasty and run off. I stomp out, of the room, the state, relationships.
My other fear is falling down the stairs and no ones knows, no one ever expects me to answer the phone, or to call (it's the loner in me) so no one is ever really concerned about me. I am pretty good at taking care of myself, no dependence on my part, nope, none at all, really. If I'm not where I'm supposed to be (work) someone must have forgot that I mentioned I would be out of the office and, they make due. There I am, at the bottom of the stairs, my femur jutting out and my dog gnawing on it, out of hunger (I can't get up the stairs, he's hungry, who can blame him). Eventually someone at work gets really pissed and the neighbors are starting to notice the grass growing over the fence (6' high, gonna take a while). By then I'm dead, most of me eaten, the dog is fine, thank goodness.
Fortunately there are lots of things that make me smile (I swear). My beautiful daughter, my son that never ceases to amaze me with his verbal challenges and anger (makes me cry too). I love to laugh. I love the thought of someone reading my words and being entertained. I love reading others words. I think a perfect friend is one that challenges me with words, spoken and written (typed words too). I want to know everything, the good, the bad the ugly. I have far too many ugly things in my past (present) that I gladly share, helps ease my burden. I don't want to be surprised about important details of your life. Lying is far more painful then telling the truth. Give me a chance to process your reality, work with me.
I am also very happy to stare at Maxfield Parrish skies, the stars, the moon and planes that fly above (versus those that fly below). I am fascinated by the wonder of life and space. How do planes fly? And those fireflies! The little flickers that make me do a double take. Hey! did you see that?! I am surrounded by magic, I will never understand the logic or science of these things so I consider them magical. I am surrounded by magic and miracles.
I wanted to end this on a happy note, a note of optimism, upbeat. No such luck. I am constantly reminded of crap, deceptive crap. Internet shit, that as long as I continue to use this medium, I will always be reminded of. I have grown up and out of the play that happens here. I can never trust anything or anyone that comes from this place, it will haunt me forever. Man, this ends on such a sour note, bad taste in my mouth, it stinks. People are so undeserving of what I gave them, totally turned me upside down, inside out. There is that god damn anger that I try so hard to stuff. Honest to god, it is as painful as a root canal without Novocain. It hurts and I need to take a pill to make it go away.
I also need to "get over it".
1 comment:
Me too. ~ J
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