It's my birthday!!

No fair, I really want to choose two moods. It's my birthday and I should be able to do whatever I want. Unfortuately, depressed (surprise surprise) is weighing a little heavier than excited so it gets to be in the box.

Yep my birthday. 49 almost the big 50, over the hill, on the downlow, 1/2 over (should I live to be 100). 49, 49, 49, man oh man where did the time go?

I just watched a repeat of the very first SNL with George Carlin hosting. Format was very different from what it is now. Janis Ian (At 17, I hate that song, makes me cry[she seemed so angry]) and Billy Preston musical guests. I'm pretty sure my dad and I were in the tv room (small bedroom with a tv in it) in 1975 watching it. I can remember being uncomfortable when Dan and Garret (oops Michael O')were the couple and pitching Jamitol (cracked me up). And OMG, the Albert Brooks short, 'Oregon Lowers it Age of Consent to 7', how bad is that, seriously? I watched with one person on my mind, one I wanted to call and watch the show with, instead my thought just burned another hole in my head, which, apparently I need.

I miss my pops and want a 'do over'. I missed so many opportunities to know him and he me. The same for my mom. I have this big brown trunk that I promised my mom I would protect. It's full of family history from both sides. I've cracked it open a few times and am always amazed at who my parents really were compared to my experience. They are so unlike my memories, they're actually people that experienced this crazy love, separation (traveling salesman in the 40-70's) and seven kids. Through it all they survived, staying connected in a disfunctional but loving way. What the hell happened to their kids?

We are a motley crew. All of us dealing with different levels of depression, addictions, and major health issues. We work hard to stay separated and disconnected from each other. The fear of talking to one of my siblings makes me so tired. I have 3 sisters that are all so different with the commone thread of sadness and disfunction. I am considered the "sane" one . How scarey is that? I'm the one that ran screaming from my husband and kids, I fight daily with myself on ifmy sleep should be permanent or just enough to help me get through the next day.

Music is my relief. Lyrics are the window to souls, I have many soulmates in musicans, I swear they know me. They write songs about me. Joni Mitchell to Daniel Bedingfield, Johnny Cash to John Mayer. I am all over the place with my tastes, but words are what draw me. I've embarressingly used lyrics to say intimate thoughts that I couldn't possibly say in my own voice.

 If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know whatthe future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

No, Iam not a sappy romantic, honest, I swear, no way, couldn't be farther from the truth. I am one mean bitch, seriously.

Ihave to make this 49 a better year. The last of my 40's, the decade of hell, I survived. I brought 40 in with a fabulous party, jinxed the remaining years. They ALL sucked, As I start my 50th year on this planet my attitude, my displine, my capacity for love has all got to change. I have got to find trust again, a belief that good can be had, I am in control.