Another day in paradise

I'm waiting for my lawn mower to spontaneously fix itself. While I'm waiting, my grass continues to grow and I get more and more overwhelmed. At least I am keeping myself clean and presentable. I walk outside and am almost tempted to hire someone, then I lay down and the feeling passes.

The weather continues to baffle and amaze me. Storms are always threatening yet, somehow just keep missing us. I should be careful what I say, I could jinx us. Tornados, hail, thunder and lightening, all so very frightening.

I keep wondering when I'll wake up. I swear I live in a daze, one day melts into the next. I don't want a day to end but I never want a new one to start. My happiness is based solely now on how another persons days goes. It's either very tragic or pretty God damned pathetic, all depends on how you look at it.

I've created this imaginary friend that I'm convinced is madly in love with me but doesn't know how to show it. Doesn't matter that he's already in a committed relationship, doesn't matter that I've never really met him, doesn't matter that he's lied to me about his age and commitments and god only knows what else. I KNOW he loves me! Hey, I even crack myself up.

I think I've been confused about the word commitment since the day I first was committed. I thought it actually meant something. That you wanted to be with the person you were committed to. See them on a regular basis, talk to them, at least spend major holidays with them. I'm beginning to understand that commitments now are just an excuse not to make additional commitments. Get it? I think I have.

However, since my happiness is based on this "imaginary" friend and how his day goes, I have to make sure I limit my communication with him. There are certain hours of the day that you might find him on a date with his commitment or possibly looking for another "date" on line. Man, you'd think if I was going to come up with an imaginary friend he would be nicer to me wouldn't you? I guess it all boils down to self esteem, which apparently I am severely lacking.

Or, it's all my parents fault, particularly my dads. I tend to be attracted to older men (yep that's my dad), those that are a little disconnected from the rest of the world (read;loner/rebel) sarcastic, funny and cruel. Then I live in constant fear that they're going to leave me so I leave them on a regular basis, that way, they can't hurt me. At least once a month the relationship is over, tends to run simultaneously with my womanly cycle. Coincidence?

I'm not really as stupid or pathetic as I make myself out to be. And, he does have some great traits. He makes me laugh, think, explore and sometimes actually makes me feel good about myself. He helps me to fall asleep at night and sometimes is my alarm clock. He is my navigator when I am on the road and helps me to find my way back when I'm lost. He calms my nerves, distracts me from my "real" problems, he doesn't judge or preach. He has always accepted me for me, all my crazy ways, mood swings, alcoholic rants and words that spew through my fingertips that are directed at him, usually in a negative manner. He knows when to step back, if he waits long enough my mood will pass and I will need his voice in my life again.

I am too screwed up in so many other aspects of my life that I really don't have anything to offer a "real" person. I couldn't possibly have a relationship with anyone that really exists or one that I could possibly have a future with. My future is too much up in the air. Fragility, fragments, frightened are my middle names with whacked being my last.

All that being said, I will go on with my imaginary friend for as long as he wants me. Until I finally hit his core with my rants or until he retires with his commitment to AZ, whichever comes first.