2 clicks to Kansas

Man oh man regrets are a killer. I have built quite a collection over the years.

I wish I had my mom or my dad to talk to about their lives, their regrets. I need to have my parents tell me that I'm a good person as only a parent can. I need a mom/daughter talk so she can tell me all the good things about me and my dad to tell me that even with all my mistakes, he's proud of me.

Parents are so important to the success of a kiddo and I am only beginning to realize that now. I watch my daughter who is a mini me. I see her self worth so tied up into what others think about her (or what she perceives their thoughts are). I talk to my son every day who appears strong but his dreams are limited to what his parents have created, a custodian and a absentee mom.

My goodness today is a day of reflection, guilt and woulda, shoulda, coulda's.

If I could learn from my past and make sure I don't make the same mistakes. I live with blinders on and try really hard not to look at my surroundings, including the children that live just a little to the left and right of me.

If I could, I would go back home. I would take my pretty yellow rambler with my porch and oak trees back. I would watch my kids finish their adolescence, watch them get married in my backyard and have my grandkids run through the house screaming at the top of their lungs.

I would even take my ex back. I would work harder on eliminating my unhappiness and shame for my wasted youth. I would focus on the future my children and their happiness.

What I thought was sacrificing myself to be what society expected, a mother and wife, wasn't sacrifice, it was life. I thought if I was unhappy I could never help my children become happy themselves. I blamed my unhappiness on my husband, my circumstances. If I could just escape my life I would be ok, then my kids would be ok.

Holy smokes, I will never be able to get past the guilt of leaving. There aren't any pills that I can take that will make me think that it was ever a good idea.

I want my mom back to help me get through this.