Daily D Diatribe

I want to write nothing but happy entries. Words that tell my happy story. How well I'm doing, being creative, finding new outlets for my mind to express itself. I wish I could do nothing but write about happy endings to my day.

Instead I just want to cry. Cry that I get myself into such shitty situations and never seem to learn from them. I continue to push ahead, with unrealistic expectations, believing in fairy tales.

I allowed myself to become so tied up that I can't even find the knot to attempt to get  undone. It's not for days, weeks or months, I allow this stuff to go on for years. I think I get what I deserve, apparently I don't think I'm worthy of much.

Then I think and I think some more. I think about all the laughter, all the times he took me out of my blues and made me better. All the hours of conversation, what I've learned.

He is happy with a clean break and a nighty nite. Nothing more. Then again his life is full, I was the commercial breaks. I don't believe there are too many people who watch tv, movies, read magazines looking forward to the commercials, the ads. They generally are the bitter taste we all tolerate so that we can get to the good stuff.

He is just now determining that maybe he is bad for me. I think the timing correlates more with something else, maybe he is happier with his happy ending.

I don't want to write about him. I want it all to go away. I want him to fall off the face of the earth so I can make the clean break. If I could just believe that he was gone, gone for good, taken byhis happy ending to a warm place to live out their golden years.

How could this have happened? How did I allow someone to wrap themselves around me so tightly I can't move. I can barely breathe?

I was married to someone for so many years, didn't I learn from that? I thought I was so smart, I didn't need anyone. I wanted to be alone.

Why can't I stay angry, or believe that he is not worthy of me? He is someone that has lied to me from day one. The truth would come and he would give me some story that I wanted to believe, so I did.  I only know what he wanted me to know. How could I have been so stupid and naive?

He is manipulative and can somehow always throw my anger back at me, as if it's my fault. I should have known, it shouldn't matter, I brought it on myself. He acts like it's nothing. I guess to him I am nothing. just a commercial break.

I think that's what hurts me so much. How can he be so cold and callous? Nothing seems to faze him, always me overreacting. He doesn't have feelings. Nothing is lost to him, another "oh well" moment.

He appeared to care, always making himself available to me, call. "I will pick up, I will talk, sing, navigate". How can we talk every day, multiple times, sometimes for hours without there being some kind of connection? How can he not miss me, not feel bad?

Why can't I be more like him?

I am so incredibly sad, sad about being lonely.