I don't know what's worse, bouts of anger or bouts of crying. Sometimes one lends to the other. I find myself staring at nothing in particular, then bursting into tears. This hits me at random times throughout the day. Every so often, it is a bout of anger, my coffee spills, a fly lands on me and won't leave me alone. I find myself almost in a rage. I have to consciously take a step back, take a deep breath, make myself believe that the world is not coming to an end, the flies were not sent to me via the government as part of a conspiracy.
I am sad, I am lonely, I want my mom. I want someone to take me in their arms, pat my back, rub my arms and cheeks and tell me I'm ok. I just can't seem to see things clearly, I am so deeply sad, I want to sleep peacefully and wake in another place. Not have to wake up to pain and a bone tired body, only to watch my walls start closing in, my friends taking steps away and my world shrinking down to nothing worthwhile.
Honest to god I've been close before, but today the door is wide open and someone is motioning me to come through. I just want to sleep, I want to be normal, worthy of life/friends/love. I am so out of whack and I think I have what I need to pull the trigger, everything but the courage.
2 comments:
I'm so sorry for your troubles, and can only hope that things somehow get better for you. When all you have left is courage, then know that all will be well again, it just takes time. N.
You have courage because you can get thru this rough time. Not by pulling the trigger, but by pulling yourself up and living! I'm been very depressed going thru all the emotions that you are. You're not alone! If you ever need someone to vent to, just send me an email.
Missie
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