Leave me alone

Seriously. I have deleted anything that is associated with you. Packing and getting ready to send what doesn't belong to me.

This Blog is dedicated to you. The last 4 years were Durbin driven, our daily chats generally steered my day. There were days when my days were full of sunshine because of you. If there wasn't a call, I was without direction. If there was a date, I was accident prone. I can't let you be my navigator anymore.

I need to drive my own life.

Enjoy my last post.

ok, I'm better

This week-end was great, I'm just sorry my mower wouldn't start. I swear if someone were to chart/graph this blog I'm sure the dark moments would be consistent in time of the month along with the moments of happiness.

Nothing like cycling when there isn't a uterus to blame anything on just those damn overies!

The black hole

I swear it's been a long time since I have hit the bottom of the pit. Not only am I in a fetal position at the bottom but the rain of tears is beginning to drown me. I am embarrassed, ashamed and don't feel much like walking this earth anymore.

I let myself get to myself. I am weak and easy to walk on and over. I hate myself for being brutally honest about my life, feeling, thoughts. I hate that my skin isn't thicker or made of Teflon. I want to be that person that chuckles at someone who is pouring their heart out. I want to be so hard that I can only focus on my broken computer while someone is breaking apart in my ear.

Telling me I lack respect for boundaries. To quick to analyze what I don't know. The reason I don't know it is because you hide it. A relationship you have been in for over 37 years. How can you hide something that has been a part of you for over half you life?

I am so confused, so fucked up. I feel so humiliated that I allow myself to get to this level of sadness. That I can't just walk away to let you snicker about what an idiot I am, then refocus on your computer woes.

My sleeping pills are calling my name.